One of the most important things to remember is that your partner is with you for a reason and not with his or her ex. The past is the past. It can’t be undone. The future is what matters. Be honest and open with your partner and usually everything will be fine in the relationship. Don’t compare your partner to your ex. Don’t talk about your ex very much. It makes you sound like you are still in love with them. Don’t call your ex unless it is business related. Don’t call your partners ex to ask questions about your partner or to start trouble. Don’t listen to his or her voice mail on the cell phone. It will only get make matters worse. Let your partner have privacy unless you suspect something weird is going on. Don’t go through your partners stuff unless you ask him or her first. Remember Please Don’t go through their stuff just to be snoopy because that indicates that you don’t trust him or her or just being paranoid. From an Yahoo article by Shelly K. http://voices.yahoo.com/dont-let-ex-threaten-current-relationship-13874.html?cat=41
Such is the inconsistency of real love,
that it is always awake to suspicion,
always requiring new assurances
from the object of its interest.
Obsessiveness is common in many ways – not being able to sleep at night because of hurting someone you love, for example, or developing a childhood fascination with dinosaurs that never leaves and you eventually become a paleontologist. Then there is an addiction to obsessiveness which stifles creativity. Obsessiveness is not only boring, it also lacks any faith in process. Process is always out of your control. You must be open to finding out what will happen instead of seeking a false sense of control. An example of this false sense of control would be to think: If I always know where you are, you can’t have an affair. Part of the control of obsessiveness is to nurse hurt feelings, exaggerate disappointment, and constantly blame the other for not coming to the rescue. Obsessiveness is very interesting because there are two sides to it: the positive side is creative passion that helps you know what really matters; the negative side is an addiction which makes you unable to prioritize anything. As a result, things have the same weight. Is s/he having an affair? Obsessiveness is a focus on what is NOT. Truly focus on the here and now in the moment and the obsession will change itself. Obsession is a substitute for action. Both polarities of obsessiveness are available. What is more mentally healthy, especially as we age, is sorting out what is important and what to let go of. Ultimately letting go is the final lesson of death. One of the many wonderful aspects about raising children is that elegant dance of knowing what’s important combined with the letting go work of adolescence and not knowing. The not knowing leaves room for respecting their choices as different from your own ideas of who they should be. Too many parents stifle and interrupt children’s abilities to make their own mistakes and their own choices. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
is like theft.
Nassim Nicholas Taleb
A too large dose of anxiety will cheat you out of the beginnings of things. A way out of anxiety is to risk trying new things. Try to develop new ways to follow your curiosity. Consider the curiosity of a toddler. How can you borrow this kind of wonder? A small child embraces adventures naturally – then come all the inhibitions. A real adventurer supports his or her own unease. Remember that anxiety requires too much caution, which means not letting things happen to you. It can be good to risk running into a little bit of trouble. A fixed idea of what is proper can be paralyzing. A true definition of responsibility is to respond to the situation in any way that is life enhancing. Anxiety is the opposite, it is life restricting. According to Laura Perls, responsibility is the ability to respond. For therapy to be successful it should increase your range of response and ability. Many things can create anxiety. Genetics, an anxious parent, or early childhood loss all can leave the legacy of learning to listen to the outside world instead of the inside self. So begin by finding your own voice. The most important step anyone can take is to get off the bunny slope and move on into facing the anxiety. Work to seek out the discomfort and then take care of yourself to make it bearable. If you learn to tolerate the fears that are exaggerated in anxiety, then you can stop the slippery slope into depression. Value awkwardness because it is part of all beginnings. Awkwardness offers you relief and room to move. Allowing awkwardness from yourself means you are more likely to find your own voice. Remember the first time you learned to ride a bike? Allowing yourself the horrible moments of a new beginning, ended up in a lifetime skill that anxiety could have cheated you out of. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
Striving for excellence
striving for perfection
If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that make it seem more dangerous than it really is. For example, you may overestimate the possibility that things will turn out badly, jump immediately to worst-case scenarios, or treat every negative thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions. Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain. Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more balanced perspective. Stop worry by questioning the worried thought:
– What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
– Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
– What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?
– If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
– Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
– What would I say to a friend who had this worry?
By Melinda Smith, M.A., Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.
I’ve had a lot of worries in my life,
most of which never happened.
We are all both good and bad, it is not an either/or position. The more honest we can be in acknowledging our dark side is the first step to claiming our imperfection. Ideally over time we can reduce our pile of internal bad. Think of yourself developmentally — through the age of 27 the dark side may be more than 50%. Then in our 30′s and 40′s we start chipping away at it through self-awareness so the bad gets smaller. (Ask anyone over 40 if they would start over again and the answer is likely to be “No.”) One of the goals in life is the ongoing process of making the bad smaller. Therefore, being able to tolerate bad feelings about yourself is crucial to learning and growth. One exercise to reduce anxiety is to make a list of all the “shoulds” you burden yourself with. This pile of “shoulds” is one of the ways you erase having any room to breathe. Sort out which are the “shoulds” you agree with. Years ago when I carpooled little kids to nursery school I would make a wrong turn on purpose and I was amazed at their anxiety. I would soothe them with how important mistakes are in life, because they seemed so insulated, as many suburban people are, from the notion that mistakes could be good. Our American culture feeds this point of view with the myth of success. Anxiety erupts it’s ugly head when we expect things to be a certain way. All our vacations should be sunny every day & we expect our lives to be stuffed full of happiness and certainty. Other cultures don’t have the same expectations. We can learn a lot from Asian culture, for example. Their idea of life is much more encompassing. Pain and setbacks are expected, not ignored. The reality of the complicatedness of life is more accurate. Happiness is understood to be a byproduct of life choices not an end goal. We could reduce our anxiety if we could pursue this frame of reference. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
If something bad happened
just do this 3 things.
and third accept
that it happened.
Kenneth de Guzman
Love is very aware and discerning. In fact, we are much more aware and discerning in the absence of fear. Fear limits our world view and life’s infinite possibilities. When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, fear can blind us to all the possibilities except a few versions of the old fight or flight alternatives. Inevitably when we undo the fear, we find a different way of “being” with the situation and other alternatives arise. Often we don’t have to figure it all out ahead of time. We can just trust that by showing up without the fear and being centered we will know what to do and say in the moment. It’s not that we get smarter in the absence of fear, we just regain access to the inner wisdom that was always there and was concealed by fear. Another way that fear limits us is by shutting us off from the opportunity to try new endeavors, meet new people, entertain a new point of view, challenge old beliefs, travel, experience new cultures, discover what makes our heart sing, take risks, and step outside the box. Fear also gives rise to and strengthens the ego. Ego is another tricky word that has several definitions… It is the part of our mind that judges us and others, moves toward separation versus unity, is quick to go to fear, anger, sadness, guilt, etc., spends all its time in the past or future rather than the present moment, takes a lot of things personally, anticipates the worst, never forgets a slight or embarrassing moment, sees us as victims, and on and on it goes seldom allowing us a quiet moment. The ego doesn’t trust Love. It thinks that it is us but doesn’t know the truth of who we are. It’s an illusion of who we are. The ego’s voice is not our own even thought it operates in our head. The great thing is that we don’t have to listen to it or follow it any more than we have to listen to a person who constantly lies to us and tries to mislead us. http://www.yoursecretgarden.org/Articles/20.htm
Fear is faith that
it won’t work out.
Sister Mary Tricky
Only in the past two decades has depression in children been taken very seriously. Before puberty, boys and girls are equally likely to develop depressive disorders. After age 14, however, females are twice as likely as males to have major depression or dysthymia. The risk of developing bipolar disorder remains approximately equal for males and females throughout adolescence and adulthood. Research has revealed that depression is occurring earlier in life today than in past decades. In addition, research has shown that early onset depression often persists, recurs, and continues into adulthood, and that depression in youth may also predict more severe illness in adult life. Depression in young people frequently co-occurs with other mental disorders, most commonly anxiety, disruptive behavior, or substance abuse disorders, as well as with other serious illnesses such as diabetes. The depressed younger child may say he is sick, refuse to go to school, cling to a parent, or worry that the parent may die. The depressed older child may sulk, get into trouble at school, be negative, grouchy, and feel misunderstood. Among both children and adolescents, depressive disorders confer an increased risk for illness and interpersonal and psychosocial difficulties that persist long after the depressive episode is resolved; in adolescents there is also an increased risk for substance abuse and suicidal behavior. Unfortunately, these disorders often go unrecognized by families and physicians alike. Signs of depressive disorders in young people are often viewed as normal mood swings typical of a particular developmental stage. In addition, health care professionals may be reluctant to prematurely “label” a young person with a mental illness diagnosis. However, early diagnosis and treatment of depressive disorders are critical to healthy emotional, social, and behavioral development. https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/resources/men-and-depression.aspx
Depression exist without you knowing it,
even denying it. It is not an illusion.
You don’t even know you’re in it.
It takes awhile before you realize it.
If you deny it, it means you’re still in there
or else you won’t talk about your misery
and the dramas in your life.
Ann Marie Aguilar