Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited. Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
Many of the habits
of dysfunctional families
are not from the lack of love
but are the result of fear.
David W. Earle
No, No, No, I Don’t Think So!!! Intimate activity intricately entwines the energies between two people. Sex creates a powerful exchange of energy between those involved. These connections, imprints and debris are left upon the mind, soul and spirit for a long time because they are not easily purged or cleansed. ‘Casual sex’ with multiple partners can intertwine the energies and spirits of a lot of people into your own aura if they are not severed and cleansed. You become joined to every person with whom your partner has slept, as well as all the partners those people had. This type of “soul clutter” can be felt by your partner’s subconscious. Even if they are not completely in tune or aware of the extra-curricular sexual activities, they still are able to sense the subtle disturbances of multiple energies and/or familiar spirits that have entered causing restlessness and inner turmoil. The longer and more intimate the contact with another person, the more powerful the reinforcement and the interaction of the bond becomes, and all the more difficult it is for them to untangle and leave. Soul stains, transference of odors, perceptive connections and even mutually formed habits are now left to burden the psyche long after that relationship has ended. There is no such thing as “Casual” Sex or “Friends with Benefits”. http://sylvancruickshank.com/there-is-no-such-thing-as-casual-sex-or-friends-with-benefits/
The secret of acquiring
is to practice it!
It is like a muscle.
The more you use it
the stronger it becomes.
Each time we give in
to a bad habit,
we help to strengthen it.
Dr Edwin Flatto
You have mixed feelings about your worries. On one hand, your worries are bothering you—you can’t sleep, and you can’t get these pessimistic thoughts out of your head. But there is a way that these worries make sense to you. For example, you think:
Maybe I’ll find a solution.
I don’t want to overlook anything.
If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I’ll figure it out.
I don’t want to be surprised.
I want to be responsible.
You have a hard time giving up on your worries because, in a sense, your worries have been working for you.
It’s tough to be productive in your daily life when anxiety and worry are dominating your thoughts. If you’re like many chronic worriers, your anxious thoughts feel uncontrollable. You’ve tried lots of things, from distracting yourself, reasoning with your worries, and trying to think positive, but nothing seems to work. Telling yourself to stop worrying doesn’t work—at least not for long. You can distract yourself or suppress anxious thoughts for a moment, but you can’t banish them for good. In fact, trying to do so often makes them stronger and more persistent. You can test this out for yourself. Close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. Once you can see the pink elephant in your mind, stop thinking about it. Whatever you do, for the next five minutes, don’t think about pink elephants! “Thought stopping” backfires because it forces you to pay extra attention to the very thought you want to avoid. You always have to be watching for it, and this very emphasis makes it seem even more important. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to control your worry. You just need to try a different approach. This is where the strategy of postponing worrying comes in. Rather than trying to stop or get rid of an anxious thought, give yourself permission to have it, but put off thinking any more about it until later. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm
If I had my life to live over,
I would perhaps have more
actual troubles but I’d have
fewer imaginary ones.
Living with a person who is overly critical and insists that things be done their way can, over time, wear their partner down mentally, emotionally and physically. Marriage is usually viewed as partnership where both people compromise for the betterment of the family unit. It can be extremely tiring when only one individual is bending. Everyone is different and there is no set remedy that will fix all situations. One of the partners needs to stay positive and that requires charging your emotional batteries. Ideally your spouse should help you accomplish this but if it’s not happening find something else and insist on spending the necessary time. For some people it may be physical activity as it gets the body moving and eases stress. For others it may be painting or writing. Or maybe it’s some time out with friends just to talk and laugh and get away in general. Take the time to heal yourself because if you’re not whole you won’t be able to help your spouse. By Cindy Abbate http://www.helium.com/items/2341232-how-to-deal-with-a-demanding-spouse
Don’t smother each other.
No one can grow in the shade.
Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It’s similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It’s also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love. Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That’s because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again. It’s the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each others most important emotional needs… By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html
If a relationship
is to evolve,
it must go through
a series of endings.
You criticize or micro-manage your partner. If you’re always concerned with some aspect of your partner’s personality or appearance, don’t look at them — look at yourself. People who are in love overlook minor annoyances and see the bigger picture. You compare your partner to others. When you love someone, you don’t compare him or her to others. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship. You try to change your partner. Often we fall in love with people who don’t suit us. If you find that you’re constantly trying to change your partner, it may be time to move on. You don’t laugh anymore. Humor is something that all relationships need. If you no longer find his jokes funny, or you can’t have lighthearted conversations, it may be a sign that the relationship has lost its zing. You’re doing all the giving (or all the getting). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy. Your friends no longer like being around you when you’re with your partner. Your friends may like your partner, but they no longer like the affect your partner has on you. Dr. Northrup says when a relationship’s not right, our friends tell us the truth and often are the first to see when a relationship turns sour. You no longer feel good about yourself. Think about how it felt when you first fell in love with your partner. If this feeling is lacking, you may want to look at your relationship. No matter how appropriate it is to leave a relationship, the loss of any significant relationship can feel like a death, says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom. You have to feel the sadness and grieve fully for what might have been, adds Dr. Northrup. You can’t skip from, or otherwise hide from the pain if you’re to emerge at the next stage free to develop. http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/advice/when-is-it-time-to-leave-the-relationship.htm
The end of a relationship is not always a failure.
Sometimes all the love in the world is not enough
to save something. In these cases, it is not a matter
of fault from either person. Some things cannot be,
it’s as simple as that.
Unless you’ve been through it yourself, it’s hard to imagine the emotional tangles that life serves up to someone who is married (or otherwise intimately linked) to an alcoholic or drug abuser. Their lives are filled with guilt, exasperation, loneliness, anxiety, resentment, fear, and depression. Their ineffectual attempts to come to grips with their partner’s drinking or drug use may even trigger physical and emotional illness for themselves — one reason that addiction is sometimes called a “family disease.” Ask anyone who’s enmeshed with a drinking alcoholic or an active drug abuser and they’ll tell you they’d do anything to make their partners change. Just don’t believe them. Because as often as not, they’re lying — or confused. The difficult truth is that a husband or wife (or friend or lover) can’t make an addict or an alcoholic change. They can’t control out-of-control behavior or drinking. The only thing they can change is themselves, and the sooner they find that out, the faster they discover how they can really help their partner. Codependents are people who, through ignorance or fear (and maybe even a little chemical dependency of their own), can actually enable a dependent person to keep on avoiding the reality of a drug or drinking problem. It’s rarely a conscious choice, but in trying to protect themselves, their partner, or their children from embarrassment (or worse), a codependent will deny, cover-up, excuse, even lie about the extent of the problem. Too bad, because all they usually get for their trouble is more trouble — and a continuation of their partner’s chemical career. Because the fact is that people generally don’t seek help for problems they don’t admit they have. Gayle Rosellini http://www.doitnow.org/pages/804.html
Wine hath drowned
more people than the sea.