There are always times when you worry about whether or not your relationship is going well. You fret over something that your partner said to you, or are convinced that you said the wrong thing to your partner. The concerns may fleet through your mind and you figure you misunderstood…or you may become so preoccupied that you can hardly concentrate on anything except why you haven’t heard from your partner. People high in what psychologists call attachment anxiety chronically assume the worst about their relationship partners. They fear being dumped at any given moment, and as a result, may seem overly needy and clingy. This behavior, of course, only makes their situation worse unless they have a patient and understanding partner. Israeli psychologist Guy Doron and a team of researchers from the School of Psychology in Herziliya in a December 2013 publication believe that attachment anxiety is only part of the picture when it comes to explaining the fears and worries that people develop about their relationship partners. Doron and colleagues propose that some people fall victim to double relationship-vulnerability in which they are not only anxiously attached, but also rely heavily on their relationships to define their feelings of self-worth. The doubly vulnerable may be particularly prone to another set of relationship concerns in which they become obsessed or preoccupied with doubts and fears about the future of their relationship. The combination of double relationship vulnerability with obsessional worries can spell emotional chaos to individuals with these psychological tendencies. Start by identifying the triggers that set off your worries, whether it’s a missed phone call or just something thought or event that makes you wonder whether your partner truly loves you, or vice versa. Once you get past that first step, then you can work on changing those troublesome thoughts. Next, see if you can reduce your urges to act on your thoughts. Compulsive behaviors often do follow obsessional thoughts. From an article by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201312/what-do-when-your-relationship-worries-get-you
Worrying is like a rocking chair;
it gives you something to do,
but it gets you nowhere.
Even when codependents recognize the problem for what it is, they often make the mistake of trying to control their partner’s consumption — the amount an alcoholic drinks or a user uses — while fighting desperately to keep the bottom from falling out from under the family. They may count drinks or water whiskey. They may hide a stash or flush pills down the toilet. All that usually succeeds in doing is to drive the drinking or drug use underground. Then they can only guess about the extent of actual use. And since chemical dependency tends toward increasing levels of use, a dependent person’s behavior often becomes less predictable and more unreliable. The result? The web of stress and unhappiness their partners live inside gets tighter all the time. If you need proof, try juggling a dysfunctional partner’s moods and demands with one hand, while balancing an overdrawn checkbook, bewildered friends and angry family, and their own anxiety and depression with the other. Perhaps the worst feeling of all is the gnawing guilty feeling that maybe the dependent partner wouldn’t drink or use so much if he or she were a better partner, better lover, better person. Of course, that’s crazy. But that’s often the way it is. Gayle Rosellini http://www.doitnow.org/pages/804.html
If you’re going to be crazy,
you have to get paid for it
or else you’re going to be locked up.
Hunter S. Thompson
Every relationship needs give and take between two people to truly be a relationship. The term “give and take” is not new. It’s a simple idea that says that to have a productive and satisfying relationship you can’t just do all the taking or all the giving all the time. Unfortunately in reality many relationships are either: “You give and I’ll take” or “I’ll give and you take”. If you are doing all the planning of dates, paying all the expenses, sharing and repairing relationships you are giving too much. If a relationship feels like too much work on your part, you feel like you’re squeezing water from a stone, or the person requires a lot of nurturing to extract even a small amount of value, you’re not in a “love” relationship, you are giving too much. When your giving is taking too much out of you and threatens to destabilize your very person, then you are trying to give more than you are capable of. If you allow yourself to be drained of energy you will have less to give to a deserving man or woman and may find yourself passing up good men and women because of the experiences of your past. If you allow one or more experiences to make you cynical, then you have given more than you were capable of and it has made you less than who you were. This is giving more than you are capable of giving. To open yourself to others is often rewarding but is only as good as the value it adds to who you are. Yangki Christine Akiteng http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/one_sided_relationships.html
It’s not anyone else’s job
to believe in you.
No one can do it better
Bishop T. D. Jakes
Some people act as though they believe that there is not enough love in the world to go around. They act as though they need to make sure that they are getting all your love and no one else is getting any of it as though if you love anyone else these controlling people will “miss out” on some of your love. In the past I put a lot of effort into trying to make these people feel like my love for them would never run out because I mistakenly believed that my love for them, could save them and if I could save them, they would love me back and that would save me. And at the same time it seems as though these controlling and manipulative people also believe and go to great length to communicate, that if you love yourself, you will be spending your love allowance on yourself instead of on them. Heaven forbid that happens! This “don’t love yourself” concept is taught in tons of ways always with the threat of becoming a horrible selfish person if you do anything to nurture or acknowledge your own value. They picked on the way that I dressed. They picked at the way I did my hair. They picked at me all the time to make sure that I was feeling bad about myself. To make sure that I was trying harder. To make sure that my self-esteem was kept low. To make sure that I was always questioning myself and not questioning them. And all of it was presented as thought their judgement was “for my own good”. That this “picking at me” and criticizing me was going to make me a better person. This grooming started young. I was ready to listen to all new controllers and manipulators that came into my life when I entered my adult years. Darlene Ouimet
Just because something isn’t a lie
does not mean that it isn’t deceptive.
A liar knows that he is a liar,
but one who speaks mere portions
of truth in order to deceive
is a craftsman of destruction.
We may cling to the irrational belief that things are good enough as they are, we feel a measure of security in the relationship, that change is a difficult and fearful prospect, or that we don’t deserve any better, our life has always been a sacrifice of the self, and that this is as good as it’s likely to get. In the process, however, we give up the chance to be the person we were meant to be and to explore our sense of personal fulfilment in life. We give up not only our own life dreams but our sense of worth in order to maintain the security of a relationship. A healthy relationship is one in which boundaries are not only strong, but flexible enough, to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness, but are also known to and respected by each other. There is a sense of respect on the part of both partners that allows each to live as full a life as possible and to explore their own personal potential. We don’t have to give up ourselves for a relationship but can become interdependent. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship because they offer an honest and reliable framework by which we can know each other. But if we don’t know where our self ends and the other begins it is impossible. John Stibbs http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_boundaries.html
I imagine one of the reasons
people cling to their hates so stubbornly
is because they sense, once hate is gone,
they will be forced to deal with pain.
From “The Fire Next Time” By James Baldwin
While in a monogamous relationship seeing an attractive woman and finding her physically appealing is a normal thing. Reacting to that attraction and cheating on the one committed to you is NOT! Sure, some men will tell you it’s OK and a biologically natural thing for a man to do. That is only rational thinking for when we were only animals grunting about in the bushes; not today. Following through on an urge to be unfaithful can be everything from a bad mistake to sexual compulsion to a form of addiction. A grown up should know better and if you can’t control yourself, do what I did; get help. Don’t let it come close to destroying your life as it almost did mine.
To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception;
it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation,
either in time or in eternity.