Depression: a condition of feeling emotionally down; a prolonged sadness; feelings of inadequacy; waning interest in things outside the self; generally sad mood, and thoughts that affect the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself, and thinks about things. By that definition it becomes obvious that just about all codependents suffer at least from occasional depression. Many deal with it regularly. Most males don’t ever seek help for depression. As men it’s often hard to admit we need help as we’ve been taught to keep our self under control. Accepting something emotional can get a hold on us that we can’t control is thought wrongly by many to be male weakness. That’s all macho bravado and unadulterated BS! Trying to control what can’t be controlled can even make it worse. Men get depressed just as often as women! Men just don’t do anything about it as frequently. Feelings are not a weakness nor is feeling depressed, sad or inadequate. Real and true weakness is not seeking help and treatment when a man needs it. Simply stated, it is STUPID to be depressed and not reaching out for help for it!
He who is afraid of asking
is ashamed of learning.
First posted here July 22, 2012
In an on-line article* a few years ago Melanie Evans wrote: Co-dependency is a dis-ease of being outer-focused rather than being able to healthily detach from people and situations to focus on and take care of Self. Co-dependency is an unhealthy dependency on outer circumstances. Rather than take responsibility for their own lives, co-dependents try to control events and people through granting compassion, advice giving, lecturing, helplessness, emotional blackmail, manipulation, guilt or anger. Co-dependents feel empty on the inside and try to fill this emptiness with things’ outside of themselves. In most cases co-dependents are trying to re-write the scripts of their painful childhoods and will re-attract the same pain over and over. Co-dependents often try to make safe and trustworthy environments with unsafe and untrustworthy individuals and circumstances. In just those six lines; a single paragraph, I find the shortest, most clear glimpse of codependency I have yet to come across. This is especially true of the last line: Co-dependents often try to make safe and trustworthy environments with unsafe and untrustworthy individuals and circumstances.
When there is no enemy within,
the enemies outside cannot hurt you.
Originally posted June 29, 2012
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited. Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
Many of the habits
of dysfunctional families
are not from the lack of love
but are the result of fear.
David W. Earle
1. Take full responsibility. Whatever your reason for breaking up, don’t blame your partner. Remember, it’s your needs and desires that aren’t being met. That’s your problem. Also, remember that it’s not possible for your partner to feel fulfilled if your needs in the relationship aren’t being met.
2. Thank the person. Be gracious. Part ways respectfully. Try to clear up unresolved issues, but don’t prolong the conversation. If the person is angry, don’t argue with him or her. It’s better not to communicate.
3. Be very clear. Be considerate of the person’s feelings, but don’t back down. It’s easy to be misunderstood when you’re trying to be compassionate. You need to clearly state that you’re breaking up. You may want to say something like: “Don’t mistake this conversation. I am moving on.” And don’t promise to stay in touch, remain friends, or offer to see each other “down the road.” This leads to false hopes. If you would like to remain friends with the person, give him or her and yourself enough space to grieve. You need to be apart for a while.
4. Keep your friends out of it. Don’t tell friends, family or co-workers before you break up. After you break up, say as little as possible about the details. While it may be important to confide in friends and gain support, remember that this is a private issue between you and your partner.
5. Don’t put off your breakup until the right time. Break up when you make the decision. Waiting makes it more difficult for both of you. If you’re afraid of how your partner will react, break up in a public place. Arrange to have your partner meet you to discuss your relationship. Don’t arrive or leave together.
6. Don’t break up on a special day. Breaking up with a lover on his birthday, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day or any other significant day is cruel. You’ll needlessly ruin that day for your ex for long time, maybe forever.
7. Don’t break up in stages. If you’re in an exclusive relationship, don’t try distancing yourself by suggesting that you should see other people, or by not answering the phone. This will cause both of you more pain. Think of it this way: It hurts less when you rip the Band-Aid off rather than pull it off slowly.
8. Be tactful about getting personal items back. Remove personal items from your lover’s place before you break up. It’s more difficult to retrieve them after a breakup. If your lover has personal items at your place, pack them up and have them ready to hand to him or her, or offer to send them. http://alicerelasionship.blogspot.com/2004_09_12_archive.html
There are many persons ready to do
what is right because in their hearts
they know it is right. But they hesitate,
waiting for the other fellow to make
the make the first move…
and he, in turn, waits for you.
Healing is more about accepting the pain and finding a way to peacefully co-exist with it. In the sea of life, pain is a tide that will ebb and weave, continually.
We need to learn how to let it wash over us, without drowning in it. Our life doesn’t have to end where the pain begins, but rather, it is where we start to mend. Jaeda DeWalt
You have no power over your past,
but you do over your present.
You have no power over your history,
but you do over your future.
You have no power over your fortune,
but you do over your actions.
You have no power over your reputation,
but you do over your character.
You have no power over destiny,
but you do over yourself.
You have no power over anyone,
but you do over your world.
One of the greatest myths that is pervasive in our culture today is that you are entitled to a great life and that somehow, somewhere, someone is responsible for filling our lives with continual happiness, exciting career options, nurturing family time and blissful personal relationships simply because we exist. But the real truth is that there is only one person responsible for the quality of the life you live. That person is you.
Everything about you is a result of your doing or not doing. Income. Debt. Relationships. Health. Fitness level. Attitudes and behaviors. That person who reflects back at you in the mirror is the chief conductor in your life. Say hello!
I think everyone knows this in their hearts, but the mind can play games, tricking plenty of people into thinking external factors are the source of failure, disappointment, and unhappiness. But the truth of the matter is that external factors don’t determine how you live. You are in complete control of the quality of your life.
Successful people take full responsibility for the thoughts they think, the images they visualize, and the actions they take. They don’t waste their time and energy blaming and complaining. They evaluate their experiences and decide if they need to change them or not. They face the uncomfortable and take risks in order to create the life they want to live. http://jackcanfield.com/7-steps-for-creating-the-life-you-want/
You cannot borrow half
of who you are
from someone else,
yet people try to do it
all of the time,
they just call it
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise. Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience. Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving. Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression. Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough. Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run. Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient. Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated. Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment. Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you. From an article by Rinatta Paries http://powertochange.com/sex-love/menwant/
Men are from Earth,
women are from Earth.
Deal with it.