This is a tough one for some people, but don’t let your mind wander. Sometimes our minds wander because we’re multi-taskers, and we start creating shopping lists in our heads. But I’m not just talking about that. Other times we let our minds wander in order to get aroused. We fantasize. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with remembering something wonderful that you did together that was stupendous, or imaging being on a beach, or whatever it may be for you. But to fantasize about someone who isn’t your husband (wife/partner), or to bring up pornographic images to get aroused, isn’t right. And it hinders your ability to really bond with your spouse. Guys often struggle with this, too, especially guys who have used porn. Images often come into their heads. If either of you is short-cutting the arousal cycle by pulling up pornographic images, ask God (Higher Power) to help you stop, and then practice just being present. Think about your body. Think about your spouse. Trace your fingers along your spouse’s body. Think specifically about what is feeling good and what you love about your spouse, and say some of these things out loud. Keep your mind focused on the here and now, and you’ll find it a much more intimate, and intense, experience. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-27-experiencing-spiritual-intimacy-while-you-make-love/
The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation,
which depend upon the future.
We let go the present, which we have in our power,
and look forward to that which depends upon chance,
and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty.
Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order for any relationship to survive. It isn’t an emotion, but a learned behavior that we gain from past experiences. Whether you’ve been stolen from, lied to, misled, or cheated on, there are different levels of losing trust, some more devastating than others.
1. Learn to really trust yourself: If you don’t trust yourself – your ability to have good judgment and make good choices – how can you trust someone else? Once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and work on building trust in yourself.
2. Grieve: When a loved one dies, the natural grieving process tends to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages can also occur when you lose trust in someone. Don’t fight any of these stages. You’ll usually get through all of them – with time. Forgiveness can also be added as the sixth stage in regards to trust.
3. Stop labeling yourself the victim: If you’ve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But there’s a difference between being a victim and living with a “victim mentality.” Some people choose to wallow in the sting of betrayal while others make a real effort to overcome it. If you choose to wallow in pity, you’ll stifle your ability to heal because you’ll end up angry and blaming everyone else for something you actually have more control over than you think. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, then you’ll be able to release anger and hurt.
4. You didn’t lose “everything”: When we’re severely betrayed, such as being cheated on in a relationship, we tend to feel like we’ve lost everything that means anything to us. Once trust is lost, what’s left? Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life. Seeing the positive side of things doesn’t mean you’re ignoring what happened. Instead, it’s a healthy way to work through the experience to allow room for positive growth and forgiveness.
5. Keep your expectations high: Avoid the same types of where your trust was violated.
But it’s also important to recognize that just because you’ve been violated before doesn’t mean it will happen again. If you fall into this mentality, not only will you sell yourself short, but you may also throw away the possibility of a new, healthy relationship. Losing trust in someone can have a devastating effect on your relationship, as well as your sense of self-worth, but building trust again is possible. It takes a willingness to work on both yourself and your betrayer, but it’s more than possible. And when trust in a relationship is regained, it is truly healing. http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/wreckage/building_trust_in_a_relationship_again.aspx
One error a trust-breaker
makes when attempting
to rebuild trust
to take full ownership
for what they did.
Everybody lies. It may only be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or “omits the truth” sometimes. We start lying at around age 4 to 5 when children gain an awareness of the use and power of language. This first lying is not malicious, but rather to find out, or test, what can manipulated in a child’s environment. Eventually children begin to use lying to get out of trouble or get something they want. White lies, those concocted to protect someone’s feelings, are not a big deal at all. The person, however, who seems to feel compelled to lie about both the small and large stuff has a problem. We often call these folks pathological liars (which is a description, not a diagnosis). They lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially or socially and avoid punishment. Quite often the person who has been deceived knows that this type of liar has to a certain extent deluded him or herself and is therefore to be somewhat pitied. A much more troubling group is those who lie a lot — and knowingly — for personal gain. These people may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder, also known as being a sociopath, and often get into scrapes with the law. Lying often gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it often impels you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves perpetrating more untruths to cover themselves. We hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth. We expect, for example, less honesty from politicians than from scientists. We have a vision of purity about those who are doing research, while we imagine that politicians will at least shade the truth about themselves in order to get elected. Why do we dislike liars, especially sociopaths, so much? It’s a matter of trust. When a person lies, they have broken a bond – an unspoken agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated. Serious deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person again. Because the issue of trust is on the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best way to mend fences. If the truth only comes out once it is forced, repair of trust is far less likely. Dr. Gail Saltz on The “Today Show”
No man has a good
to make a successful liar.
The Five Levels of Truth-Telling:
First, you tell the truth to yourself about yourself.
Then you tell the truth to yourself about another.
At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another.
Then you tell your truth about another to that other.
And finally, you tell the truth to everyone about everything.
Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God II
If you do not tell the Truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. Virginia Woolfe
The Light is more than some abstract, unknowable energy force. Light is Truth. If Light is truth, then darkness must be lies. Each and every lie we tell to ourselves and others casts the shadow of separation upon us. Every time even the most minor deception is revealed and the truth is made known we are re-united with the Light. So, Let there be Light. Those are the words by which you can create your own magnificent world. Renee Bledsoe
There is no such thing as
an inconsequential lie.
It is your duty to search for truth. It is everyone’s responsibility to seek what is right and just. Being mature enough to admit that you are wrong lend dignity to you. It also insures that you will remain open-minded about life.
1. Notice that you are upset when someone else doesn’t agree that you are right. This is the first step in the process. It is a simple awareness that you are in reaction.
2. Pause and allow yourself to see how crazy it is to be upset about who’s right. This is a simple task that requires that you give your ego a small time out. It is goofy to be that upset about whether people agree with you or not.
3. Don’t be angry that you are in reaction, but chalk it up to an opportunity to gain insight about yourself. Actually change the meaning of your reaction from something that is off base to an opportunity.
4. Forgive the other person for not having your “wonderful” insight. Hey, they have the freedom to believe what they want, just like you do.
5. Examine if you are possibly wrong. If by any remote possibility you believe that you are in reaction and wrong about it, please admit it.
6. Don’t expect them to love you just because you admitted you were wrong. Just admit it and see what happens.
That will help you get more real, more humble and will help your relationships deepen. There is great dignity in being able to admit when you are wrong. It is wonderful to be around that kind of person. By Louis Tartaglia, M.D. http://www.tartaglia.com/pages/admitting.html
A man must be
big enough to
admit his mistakes,
smart enough to
profit from them,
and strong enough
to correct them.
John C. Maxwell
Sorry, I didn’t have signal! The second most common lie told by men is over why they didn’t answer their phone. Men are three times as likely to lie as women, a new study has found (HushHush.com). And the average man lies three times every single day – or more than 1,000 times each year. In comparison, the study found that the average woman lies just once each day. The survey of 2,531 adults across the UK shows that we are a nation of liars, with just five per cent of respondents saying that they told the truth ‘at all times’. The majority, 52 per cent, of men said that they lied three times a day on average; whilst one in seven, 14 per cent, said that they lied more than five times each day on average. In contrast, almost three fifths of women, 57 per cent, said they lied once each day on average making this the most common response, with just 17 per cent going as far as to say they lied three times per day. When asked ‘What lie do you most regularly tell?’, the survey found that women are most likely to lie about their emotions, with 27 per cent admitting that their most regular lie was ‘I’m fine’. The most common lie men tell, with 45 per cent admitting to doing so most regularly, was that they’d done something they were supposed to have done but hadn’t. By Katy Winter http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2286671/Yes-darling-Ive-Im-sorry-I-didnt-signal-The-common-lies-men-tell.html
The liar’s punishment is,
not in the least that he is not believed,
but that he cannot believe anyone else.
George Bernard Shaw
Most affairs depend on repeated contacts and evidence of those contacts can usually be found. That’s how M.S. discovered her husband’s affair. When his lover was living in the same city, he was able to hide his affair, but after he moved, it became almost impossible for him to keep his communication a secret. He was addicted to daily contact, and M.S. saw evidence of it almost immediately after the move. But how many people move away from a lover? It’s very rare, and if M.S.’s family had not moved, she may never have discovered the affair because she trusted her husband. When a couple spend their leisure-time away from each other, it is not only a breeding ground for an affair, but it can also be another clue to an affair. That’s especially true when a spouse doesn’t want the other to be present at their favorite activity. Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That’s also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together. We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don’t think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. From “Coping With Infidelity Part II” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html