Anyone who’s ever gone through the emotional pain of a heartbreak more often than not can express the experience through the form of some type of physical pain. Emotions affect physical health in more ways than many realize… The depression caused by heartbreak creates a barrier that can prevent us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest, in all aspects. Symptoms vary by individual and range from withdrawal from society to physical sickness and pain. You lose a part of yourself when connections are lost, and it’s not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There’s an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies longing for the past. The pain is real and there’s no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartbreak. It’s a longing for the past and the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned. It makes it hard to get up in the morning and to get through the day, but all wounds are inevitably healed through time, and thus you hope for the future to approach quicker. When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain’s blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. Symptoms of breakup might include loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, stomach-ache, nausea, a ton of tears, occasional nightmares, alcohol/substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, loss of interest, fatigue, loneliness and hopelessness. The best thing for a broken heart is to be patient and allow time to settle all unresolved feelings. Talking about your feelings with friends or family help to smooth the passage of the loss, as will allowing yourself time to reflect on all feelings and answer questions you may have for yourself. Keeping busy with hobbies you’re passionate about and trying new things also keeps your mind busy during hard times. Get a group of friends together and watch a movie, or if you’re more to yourself, try a quiet walk through a forest or even around the neighborhood. Give yourself time, and do things that make you happy. You are your own best friend and it’s important that you accept who you are and like who you are as a person before you expect anyone else to. By Ashley Cox http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak-33900
I don’t know why
they call it heartbreak.
It feels like every
other part of my body
is broken too.
“We used to talk all night, but since we’ve talked so much, we have nothing else to talk about.” Well, this is a crossroad that every couple has to go through. You have been together so long, you have spent so much time together, you have run out of things to talk about. This is very simple to get over. But first, we must look at why you have run out of things to talk about. Ultimately, if you don’t have anything to talk about, you are becoming numb to the individual. If you truly love them, you will always have something to say to them. Even it is just “I love you.” Your conversations might not be as dynamic and powerful as they were in the beginning of the relationship. And this is simply because you know each other very well, and before you didn’t. So it was automatically exciting and intriguing. But you must realize this, and rest in the fact that you are with this person. Though you might not have deep thoughts to divulge to this person anymore, because they know them all, you still have things in common. You still have things to discuss. Some couples can sit in a room and not say a word to each other for three hours – and that’s fine with them. This is because they are grounded in the foundation of their love, and they know that though they aren’t saying anything, they are both thinking about one another. But if you feel that the lack of constant conversation is hurting your relationship, take the initiative. Make a point to talk with your partner – even if the conversation starts out light and frivolous, it will end on a good note – hopefully. And this will keep you both in each other’s mind. Remember, don’t wait for them to talk to you – talk to THEM!! The most vital and important reasons that relationships fail is because they communication that is happening is because people aren’t following “The Golden Rule.” I know you all know what I’m talking about; we learned it in kindergarten – “Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.” If you follow this statement, your love life as well as every other part will benefit greatly. But the sad truth is, people aren’t honest. They cheat themselves as well as others. They are self-centered jealous feigns. So no wonder none of us have a satisfactory relationship. We must stop and think – how do you want to be treated in a relationship? If you apply your standards of what you want to your partner, they will ultimately reapply them to you. You are in control of how your relationship will be. By Prior Aphter http://voices.yahoo.com/why-relationships-fail-due-lack-communication-10023.html?cat=41
the termites of
So, what causes men to move on so quickly from a breakup with you to the arms of another woman? You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your breakup, that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men invest emotionally in a relationship, their feelings run as deeply as yours, whether they show it or now. So, when their relationship crumbles, it causes a huge emotional void. …men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. If they thought that kind of behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook… He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. How does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotionally and sexually. And, the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again. The speed in which a man moves from a bitter breakup to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling — the deeper the hurt, the quicker the hookup. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your breakup, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Taken from an article by David M. Matthews, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/05/rebound-relationship-why-_n_1569001.html
doesn’t always mean
you are weak;
sometimes it means
that you are
to let go.
Research shows it’s how we fight—where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly—that’s critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship. “All couples disagree—it’s how they disagree that makes the difference,” says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, “You can get angry, but it’s important to talk without fighting.”
• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don’t talk about it.
• COOL OFF: Pick a time when you can return to the argument with less emotion—ideally, within 24 hours and in person.
• DON’T ASSUME: You probably don’t know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.
• FLEXIBILITY ISN’T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without “losing.”
• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.
• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.
• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you’re modeling good argument techniques.
• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.
• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.
By Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703700904575391013484475040.html
Any woman who is sure
of her own wits,
is a match,
at any time,
for a man who is not sure
of his own temper.
Over the past decade, scientists have shed new light on heartbreak. The forces that bind two people in union are powerful, but love’s dissolution is more potent—a trauma that in some cases can be indistinguishable from mental illness. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that of men who’d been romantically rejected, 40 per cent remained clinically depressed. “A heart broken from love lost rates among the most stressful life events a person can experience,” says David Buss, PhD, the author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. The end of a long-term relationship can be traumatic, especially for a man whose mate cheats on him, suddenly announces a divorce, or dies. The flood of stress hormones accompanying such events can actually weaken the heart. Experts know three drives goad our urge to mate and each of them steers our actions through neurotransmitters and pathways in the brain. The most primitive of these drives is lust, which propels us to seek sex with a range of partners. Lust is fueled mainly by testosterone. The second and more potent is known as attraction or “romantic love.” Unlike lust, this focuses our energies intensively and selectively on a preferred mate. It’s what we feel when we meet “the one.” Neuroimaging studies of men who are “madly in love” reveal significantly elevated activity in the brain…where dopamine, a neurotransmitter critical to motivation and reward is made and distributed. Dopamine drives us to look for food, water, sex and love, says Lucy Brown, PhD, a neuroscientist at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. Our third system is called attachment or “companionate love.” This drive is critical in cementing the bonds vital to cooperative parental care. Attachment is not an all-or-nothing proposition, but a gradual process that is likely facilitated by two other hormones that flood the brain during intimacy: oxytocin, dubbed the “cuddle compound,” and vasopressin, a tension-taming peptide. When attachment is broken, says Todd Ahern, PhD, a neuroscience researcher, the effects are twofold: It leaves males bereft of stress-relieving compounds and spikes their level of stress hormones. The result is heartbreak and, in some cases, depression. By Jim Thornton http://menshealth.intoday.in/story/Survive-a-heartbreak/0/2018.html
…pieces of your heart
clearly weigh more
when they’re sitting
shattered at the bottom
of your stomach.
Opening your heart and loving someone else is an act of bravery, and when the relationship doesn’t work, heartbreak can be a traumatic experience. When your heart is broken, there is a deep and dark sense of despair, a mourning of a love lost. There is a sense of loneliness and a looming doubt that things will ever be right again. When we love, when we open our hearts, we form emotional and spiritual connections and bonds with our beloved. A romantic relationship should be supportive, loving, and make you feel good. In our hearts we know what we need from a relationship, but we don’t always get what we need. When we are in unhealthy relationships, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to end the relationship and separate ourselves. We know in our hearts when it’s time to end a relationship. If you are being abused, if you are unhappy, or if the love isn’t being reciprocated, your heart and your emotions will let you know when it’s time to go. Ignoring these feelings and staying in a relationship that is wrong for you will only make things harder. Listening to your feelings and making the right choices will allow you to learn, move forward, and grow. But it won’t be easy. The road to recovery, peace, and acceptance can be long and feel impossible at times, but there is inevitably a light at the end of the tunnel. Luckily, there’s nothing you have to do to heal. Feel the despair, let yourself be consumed with the pain. Don’t close your heart to love or build walls, don’t be hard on yourself of beat yourself up. Healing will come with time. With time, your heart will heal and you will feel whole again. The time you spend heartbroken seems to be a necessary process. And when you do heal, you will feel an amazing sense of freedom and growth. As low as you feel when you are in the midst of heartache is as high as you can feel once you heal. Take it day by day, let the momentum of the good days take you through the bad ones, and look forward to your light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that you will be better and wiser once you come out the other side. Adriana Love
Sometime you just have to
hold your head up high,
blink away the tears
and say good-bye.
…when you fell in love, your relationship felt like a series of magical moments… each one punctuated by your heart pounding and a nervous excitement that set your spirit soaring and your stomach doing flip-flops just at the thought of seeing him or her? You felt alive and wanted to share every waking moment with your lover, right? Remember those moments of being joined at the hip? Somewhere between 2 months and 2 years into your relationship, the intoxicating feelings of being in love begin to fade and are slowly replaced with a primal panic inside as it dawns on us that we feel trapped or abandoned by the very person we thought would make us happy and look after our heart. This is the beginning of a relationship stage that all relationships face, called the Power Struggle stage. At this point, if you don’t run for the hills and try find a new relationship, you attempt to get your needs met by trying to change your partner to be more like you want them to be (like you) and more like when you first met. Or, you’ll try to punish them for not being who you thought they were. Of course, they do the same to you and before you know it, you begin to feel like you can’t be yourself around your partner anymore. You both walk on eggshells around each other, feeling scared, misunderstood and not knowing what to do to change it. After a while of this power struggle, even the smallest disagreements get blown out of proportion leaving you feeling alone, abandoned and totally disconnected from the one person you love most. Whatever the case, your relationship no longer feels safe. To some degree you lost yourself in your relationship while falling in love and have become dependent on your partner. This is not actually a “bad” thing and is a necessary part of the bonding process that happens when we fall in love. However, it is not a sustainable way to live, so nature forces you to energetically separate and establish a new, more healthy shared power between you. If you succeed, you graduate with flying colors to the next stage of relationship – mature love. If you don’t, you break up. Taken from an article found at http://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/conflict/overcome-power-struggle-stage/
I’ve learned that you cannot
make someone love you,
all you can do is be someone
who can be loved.
Love, and especially passionate love, should have a place in our life, but its nature and extent may vary in light of external circumstances. People should search for it at the beginning of a relationship; marrying out of compromise may lead to frustration or decrease the little passion that was there. Having affairs retains passionate love, but has the disadvantage of deception. As it turns out, most people cherish the presence of passionate love in their relationship. Indeed, most people are “romantic” in the sense that they say that they would not marry a person possessing all other qualities they admired, but with whom they were not in love. In the mid-1960s men were more “romantically” oriented in this sense than woman, but some twenty years later, women were found to have grown significantly more romantic and had closed the gap with men. This may be due to the fact that women have become less dependent on the institution of marriage for their economic survival and can “afford” to marry for purely romantic reasons. These changes indicate the lesser role of external circumstances in the decision to marry a person, and a greater role for the romantic argument. By Professor of Philosophy Aaron Ben-Zeév http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201105/i-married-because-external-circumstances
…lasting love is something
a person has to decide
to experience. It requires
what, for lack of a better term,
we can call an act of will…
An ideal marriage is considered to be the one which is based on passionate love. As Frank Sinatra told us, “Love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage… You can’t have one without the other.” However, this is not entirely correct. There are good marriages which last for a long time without profound love. Consider the following real story of Dan, who is now in his mid-seventies and celebrating the 50th anniversary of his marriage. Dan was single and in his mid-twenties when he was living abroad and met Mary, a woman in her early twenties who came from his country. They were alone in the new environment and connected quickly. They had greater loves before, but became attached to each other, and after a short period they decided to get married. They did love each other, but it was not as passionate as some of their previous relationships. Dan told me that he married because of external circumstances related more to their given situation than to intense love-though they did care for each other. Their marriage had ups and downs and each of them had a few affairs, but they stayed together and were great companions over the years. Dan does not regret his marriage. Some people marry because of external circumstances (such as the wish not to be alone or the wish to have children). Others refrain from marrying or divorce because of external circumstances (such as the possible damage to their present families and work). In all such cases, there are compromising circumstances. The dictionary meanings of compromising circumstances refer to “situations which are likely to expose somebody to danger or disgrace.” The potential danger in situations like Dan’s is obvious: living together without love means possibly giving up the sweetest experience of life and thus ruminating about a possible better alternative. By Professor of Philosophy Aaron Ben-Zeév http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201105/i-married-because-external-circumstances
rather than marry
From “Pride and Prejudice”
by Jane Austen
Every individual is diverse and complex and carries with them a unique set of baggage from their past that impacts and informs their close relationships. Given this complexity, one is often left to wonder, “Why do I keep choosing the same partner? Why, no matter how many new criteria I mentally create, do I keep winding up in a slightly varied version of the same, not-so-great relationship?” The answer for every person is to first look at ourselves. The experiences that make us who we are also influence who we look for in a partner. While most of us claim to be looking for true love, real compatibility and no drama, there are often unconscious influences — thoughts and behaviors leading us to just the opposite. One influential factor is that many of us seek partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to not be all that desirable. People seek what is familiar. If our past were filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we are likely to seek scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults. Often, we look for partners who reinforce existing views we have of ourselves. For example, if we had a parent who was not always emotionally available to us, or who was inconsistent in offering us warmth and affection, we may think of ourselves as unlovable on some level. When we look for a partner, we may be initially drawn to someone whose attention makes us feel good about ourselves. Eventually, we may start to notice that this person is resistant to getting close and can be disregarding. Even as we are tormented by feelings of rejection, we often fail to realize that the very reason we were so drawn to this person may be because we sensed that they support those all-to-familiar feelings of being inadequate and undeserving. Dr. Lisa Firestone http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/relationship-advice_b_824879.html
Humans have a knack
for choosing precisely
the things that are
worst for them.
J. K. Rowling