In order to avoid her fears of being alone the woman may make efforts to keep her man close. It might be a criticism for going out with the boys for an evening. By discouraging him to do other things she is increasing their time together. If a woman engages in such efforts and is successful in controlling her man she will have influenced his behavior by her emotional reactions. With influence over his emotions she will have influence over what he does with his time. He will learn to avoid the activities that bring emotional reactions and criticism and do the things that she approves of. They will spend more time together which will help her to feel solid in the relationship. It also distracts herself from the fear of being alone. In one part of her mind she has helped their relationship, but she has unknowingly created a separate feeling of not being safe. When a woman sees that she can modify her man’s behavior she might perceive him as not being as strong. She will see him as someone that gives up his interests, runs around trying to make her happy. He has stopped being his authentic self and started being what she wants him to be. At some level she perceives him as no longer being his own man. She could perceive him as having weak character and could lose respect for him. More importantly she will not feel safe with a man she sees as having a weak character. Some women will conclude that if they can influence or control their man then other women will also be able to control and influence him as well. All of this adds up to losing respect and trust in the man. One assumption sometimes deep in the mind is that the stronger person controls the weaker person. If she can direct him then he must be weaker than her. This image of weakness is amplified if the woman already considers her self as weak to begin with. The loss of trust in her man’s strength may not be conscious to her, but at some level it affects her feeling of safety with him. From “Emotional Security” http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/relationship_safety.htm
Consider how hard it is to change yourself
and you’ll understand what little chance
you have in trying to change others.
“Like everything in life, any time you take anything to an extreme—either you say “yes” to everything or “no” to everything—you’re going to be in a position that’s often untenable and often unhealthy,” says Dr. Nancy Elder, an assistant professor at the University of Cincinnati’s College of Medicine. We can get stressed out by nearly everything on the planet: money, women, money, personal problems, money, etc. The largest, however, may be the actual drive to become successful. A work hard and ye shall be rewarded kind of thing. It’s tough to work hard when you have extraneous obligations getting in the way of your main goal, though. “The most important thing that people who [say yes or no] well is to temporize,” Elder says. “It’s important to acknowledge the request. ‘Yes I hear you asking this. Yes I hear you asking to put this on my plate,’ then saying, ‘Give me twenty-four hours to think about this.’” There’s an old Zen saying that goes like this: “If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” Keeping focus is one of the hardest things to do, but it’s a necessity to get where you want to be, and the ability to say “no” when you need to is an overlooked, under-appreciated tool able to help us get to that place. What it comes down to—well, what everything seems to come down to—is attaining balance. It’s about being ever-conscious about your decisions and never letting your ideal endgame get out of sight…and keeping the path up there as straight as possible. By Gin A. Ando http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/the-importance-of-learning-to-say-no-the-power-of-learning-to-say-yes
Learn to say ‘no’ to the good
so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.
John C. Maxwell
We find ourselves in a funny situation these days: We say “yes” to all the annoying schedule stretching requests, but say “no” to all the things that will help us grow as individuals. At its purist, basest form, learning to say “no” is about attaining goals. Even if a person is eternally pledged to help others, it’s still a goal. While the Internet is brimming with advice about how to become a go-getter, become a goal-oriented person, or a success story, what these lists actually do—aside from normalizing words like “achievement” to the point that even blinking is considered a monumental occasion—is glaze over what happens between creating the list of goals and hopefully, just hopefully, checking off the box next to the final item. Achievement necessitates a graceful marriage of assertiveness and fearlessness. It just so happens learning to say both yes and no at the right moment embodies these things. At its very core, though, saying no is a refusal. Indeed, “no” has begun to possess a connotation attached to it that makes its very usage seem insulting. …we’re adults, and adults are expected to take responsibility for ourselves. Besides, saying “no” puts everything to rest. We aren’t forced to make excuses… we’ll be stand-up guys and it cuts down on stress. By Gin A. Ando http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/the-importance-of-learning-to-say-no-the-power-of-learning-to-say-yes
A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction
is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered
to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.
Most people want to help people, to be seen as helpful, and to do good things. Good intentions are not enough. We need to understand our reasons why we are helping someone and we need to understand the effect of our actions. When we help others, we need to ask ourselves—are our “helping” actions truly helping the other person? We may realize we have a Helping Addiction when despite the evidence that our “helping” is not truly helping the other person, we are compelled to continue to try to help them. Signs we have a helping addiction:
– You realize your efforts to help someone are not changing the other person’s life for the better and you continue to attempt to help.
– You feel compelled to repeated pick up the pieces for someone who calls you when they are in an emergency.
– You notice people you are attempting to help consistently are unable to manage their time, resources and energy
– You notice a person or the people you are attempting to help become increasingly demanding of your help.
– You feel guilty when you are not the person to help someone—even if they receive help from someone else who is more qualified to help.
If we are addicted to helping others, we need help ourselves. We aren’t helping anyone and we are hurting ourselves if we are “helping” someone too much. Helping ourselves is a matter of getting in touch with our thoughts and feelings associated with helping others. http://sueb.hubpages.com/hub/Helping-Too-Much
Give a man a fish
and he eats for a day
Teach a man to fish
and he eats for a life time
If you are giving because your help is needed (in sickness or crisis) then simply accept the relationship for what it is. Your giving will add value to who you are but may not translate into a relationship with that person. And if your “generosity” has strings attached (like hoping you can subtly buy his/her affections) then it’s really not very generous. And don’t lie to yourself it’s not likely to work out. You will probably end up disappointed. One-sided relationships have a devastating effect on your self-esteem. No matter how good your self-esteem “GIVE and GIVE” relationships have their own constraints which make having productive and satisfying relationship impossible. My people have a saying: Who you are is related to how much you give of yourself without losing sight of who you are. Giving who you are to the extent that you empty yourself onto the laps of others only makes you insignificant and “invisible” in the relationship. And when there seems to be only one person in the relationship a disequilibrium in energy distribution happens and when that energy distribution exceeds certain limits, a state of instinctual emotional “distancing” begins to happen. It is best to minimize the possibility of regret by making sure that you choose people capable of “give and take” relationships. Yangki Christine Akiteng http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/one_sided_relationships.html
I fall too fast,
crash too hard,
forgive too easily,
and care too much.
Every relationship needs give and take between two people to truly be a relationship. The term “give and take” is not new. It’s a simple idea that says that to have a productive and satisfying relationship you can’t just do all the taking or all the giving all the time. Unfortunately in reality many relationships are either: “You give and I’ll take” or “I’ll give and you take”. If you are doing all the planning of dates, paying all the expenses, sharing and repairing relationships you are giving too much. If a relationship feels like too much work on your part, you feel like you’re squeezing water from a stone, or the person requires a lot of nurturing to extract even a small amount of value, you’re not in a “love” relationship, you are giving too much. When your giving is taking too much out of you and threatens to destabilize your very person, then you are trying to give more than you are capable of. If you allow yourself to be drained of energy you will have less to give to a deserving man or woman and may find yourself passing up good men and women because of the experiences of your past. If you allow one or more experiences to make you cynical, then you have given more than you were capable of and it has made you less than who you were. This is giving more than you are capable of giving. To open yourself to others is often rewarding but is only as good as the value it adds to who you are. Yangki Christine Akiteng http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/one_sided_relationships.html
It’s not anyone else’s job
to believe in you.
No one can do it better
Bishop T. D. Jakes
Some people act as though they believe that there is not enough love in the world to go around. They act as though they need to make sure that they are getting all your love and no one else is getting any of it as though if you love anyone else these controlling people will “miss out” on some of your love. In the past I put a lot of effort into trying to make these people feel like my love for them would never run out because I mistakenly believed that my love for them, could save them and if I could save them, they would love me back and that would save me. And at the same time it seems as though these controlling and manipulative people also believe and go to great length to communicate, that if you love yourself, you will be spending your love allowance on yourself instead of on them. Heaven forbid that happens! This “don’t love yourself” concept is taught in tons of ways always with the threat of becoming a horrible selfish person if you do anything to nurture or acknowledge your own value. They picked on the way that I dressed. They picked at the way I did my hair. They picked at me all the time to make sure that I was feeling bad about myself. To make sure that I was trying harder. To make sure that my self-esteem was kept low. To make sure that I was always questioning myself and not questioning them. And all of it was presented as thought their judgement was “for my own good”. That this “picking at me” and criticizing me was going to make me a better person. This grooming started young. I was ready to listen to all new controllers and manipulators that came into my life when I entered my adult years. Darlene Ouimet
Just because something isn’t a lie
does not mean that it isn’t deceptive.
A liar knows that he is a liar,
but one who speaks mere portions
of truth in order to deceive
is a craftsman of destruction.
Two codependents were out walking one morning when they came to a shallow river. “I’m scared of getting wet.” said one. “If you really love me you will carry me across the river.” The first codependent naturally agreed to this but, as codependents do, added a condition to the agreement. “I am so scared of walking in the dark woods on the other side” said the first one. “If you love me, you will walk in front of me as we go through the woods to scare away the bad spirits. After all I am doing for you, carrying you over the river, that’s not much to ask.” The second codependent agreed to this condition, as codependents do, so they set off across the river. But before they could reach the other side, the first one started to make comparisons as codependents do: “This isn’t fair. All you have to do is walk ahead of me in the woods. Carrying you is much harder. You make me so angry!” The more anger she felt, the more exhausted she became from the strain of carrying her partner (as codependents do) until she couldn’t go any further. “I’m too tired.” she said “You’ll have to walk the last bit to the river bank yourself.” And with that, she let him down (gently but firmly) into the river. This hurt the second codependent very deeply because it meant she no longer felt any love for him. So, naturally, as codependents do he hid his sadness by getting angry, hoping this would bring the love back again. After complaining bitterly about getting wet he stormed off, forgetting about his half of the bargain. The first codependent was even more hurt by this because she now knew that there was no love between them any more. She walked sadly through the woods, feeling alone and lost and scared but naturally hiding this behind a mask of anger. However, she built up courage by working out what to say that would hurt her partner the most, when she got home. Unfortunately neither of them ever discovered that had they looked a little further along the river bank they would have seen a pretty little bridge where two lovers could hold hands and look at the view. Nor did they ever discover that the bridge led over the river to a path that went safely round the dark woods and on through a meadow full of green grass and flowers, just meant for lovers who wanted to stroll together, side by side, instead of taking turns to carry each other or walk in front of, or behind, one another (as codependents do). http://www.growingaware.com.au/FABLECODEPND.HTM
But rarely do they act.
Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviors:
1- Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behavior
2- Become aware of the impacts of your behavior and how your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further uncomfortable feelings for yourself
3- Take responsibility for your actions and reactions
4- Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an overall objective view of the situation
5- Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships
Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behavior of others:
1- Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to be understanding towards your partner
2- Explain to your partner how their behavior towards you is affecting you. Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will inflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behavior” rather than “you’ve done this or that”.
3- Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behavior and reaction of others
4- Be honest about your part in the situation
5- If the aggressive behavior of others continues to affect you in a negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.
Andrea Harrn, http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
If you are carrying strong feelings
about something that happened in your past,
they may hinder your ability to live in the present.
Passive aggression might be seen as a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves. It might be automatic and might stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have been learned in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who may have been too controlling or not allowing their child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. To cope, a child might adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern. For example if a child was ridiculed, put-down or punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance – agreeing with what mum or dad said in order to be a “good child” or not speaking out honestly or at all. If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for asserting themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling. An example of a child rebelling might be around toilet training, withdrawing from family conversation, choosing subjects at school to please parents and then not working hard, around eating and mealtimes – all causing worry and upset to the parents who may have no idea their behavior is a contributory cause to the problem. In the workplace a passive-aggressive employee or employer may use these techniques as a form of control and/or intimidation. The worker might sulk, make faces, scowl inwardly when given jobs to do or may agree politely and then take ages to do them. By doing so, he they are showing annoyance in the hope they will not be asked to do those tasks again. Employers can also use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation. This avoidant behavior can be very damaging to individuals and teams of individuals within organizations. Andrea Harrn, http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
The more you hide your feelings,
the more they show.
The more you deny your feelings,
the more they grow.
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