There are fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtless friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of someone less fortunate. Today you can make your life – significant and worthwhile. The present is yours to do with as you will. Grenville Kleiser
Incredible change happens in your life
when you decide to take control
of what you do have power over
instead of craving control
over what you don’t.
I went through a painful break up in June, 2007, ending a 10 year relationship. I got into that safe but ultimately suffocating relationship because my abandonment issues were too much for me to take on my own. I finally found the strength to end it last year, and have been staring into the void of all of this psychic pain that I never dealt with – neglectful, abusive parents, crippling loneliness and the lack of a family system, blah blah blah. I threw up walls everywhere, I stopped living for myself, and I gave up on my dreams in order to feel safe and loved. Now that I’m trying to strike out on my own, I feel crazy and dramatic and out of control. I keep telling myself, it’s not too late for me, I can keep my job, I can keep my sense of self, I can do what I want to do, and I can do it on my own — but obviously I’m not doing the best job of it right now. Obviously the drinking has to go. That’s really the first and only step I’ve got on my list right now. posted anonymously on ask.metafilter.com/
First you take a drink,
then the drink takes a drink,
then the drink takes you.
Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald
Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps you off-center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say, ‘Okay, now, stay.’ But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job you decide how. That’s how character is developed. From “Hollie’s Quotes”
Character is, for the most part,
simply habit become fixed.
C. H. Parkhurst
He doesn’t know why he is the way he is, and he can’t figure out why he keeps committing the same mistakes over and over again all the while expecting different results. He runs from woman to woman thinking that he will find balm for his wounded spirit. He doesn’t know he’s an image, and he’s totally unaware how his thoughts, experiences and images have shaped what he is today… One unhealthy characteristic of a codependent is that they tend to find themselves attracted to needy people and needy people are attracted to them. Playing the role of a caretaker and trying to fix everyone else’s problems was a codependent characteristic I myself had to deal with. It ruined every relationship I had with women, and it kept me in a perpetual cycle of stupidity. Codependent people are classic image-makers because they have never experienced truly loving relationships. Larry E. Coleman
If you didn’t see it with your own eyes
or hear it with your own ears,
don’t invent it with your small mind
and share it with your big mouth.
Given time everything changes. Things get better; things gets worse. Something is new and fresh; then it is old and worn out. Anytime it seems life has completely leveled out and all is well its easy for me to slip into the delusion this is the way things will always be. It’s just as delusional to believe that every difficult time, circumstance or happening will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Every condition or occurrence is only for its time. The bad will fade as will the good, both in a waltz of constant change and contrast of existence and perception. Life is often far from what it is wished to be. It is that state of dissatisfaction which keeps many from enjoying the ride. The starting line for contentment is embracing “what is”.
Reality is that which,
when you stop believing in it,
doesn’t go away.
Philip K. Dick
Definition of CHANGE: To cause to be different; to transform: to exchange for or replace; to lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; to become different or undergo alteration; to undergo transformation or transition. When we make a change, It’s so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, and our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. Our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make big changes in our lives, and some days we could tight-rope across Manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. This is normal. This is natural.This is change. (Jeanette Winterson)
I have found that the only thing
one can be sure of changing is oneself.
“Welcome to the United States, the worry capital of the world”. It’s ironic that in such a land of plenty, arguably the highest standard of living ever achieved, we chose to anguish over so much and so many trivial things. Everything from what car a man drives to who he knows are relatively meaningless things many American men worry about. Research has proven that as material comfort, food and healthcare has improved and the amount of leisure time has increased over the last 100 years, dissatisfaction with life has increased markedly. Personally I have achieved a quality of life I could never have even dreamed of when I was a kid. Yet, I too got caught up in the worry and dissatisfaction trap. Once this became clear to me, there was no choice but to begin to try to alter my behavior and my view of things. It took getting very uncomfortable with the way I had been before meaningful change began. While still a work in progress, being uncomfortable is a lot better than being dissatisfied!
Worrying is stupid.
Its like walking around with an umbrella
waiting for it to rain.
You’re a lot more right than you are wrong! One of the tendencies when I started working on my dysfunctions, was they were about all I could see. The focus I had to improve was healthy, but that narrow gaze saw little past my issues. For a time I kind of lost sight of a long successful career, loving friendships, a loving relationship with my son and brother, respect of my peers and so on. Further having accomplished a number of ‘bucket list” items got pushed out of view including learning to fly planes, visiting Machu Picchu and getting my photography published and recognized. When I got serious about recovery I fast became an expert (or at least it seemed so) on what was wrong with me. Granted, I had some serious things to work on like depression, PTSD and compulsions, but they did not occupy anywhere near the majority of my life. Real recovery began to move faster when I recognized what was right and good in my life, as well as what I needed to work on. Beginning to be able to see myself with truth and balance was necessary and took time.
Your vision will become clear
only when you can look
into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakens.
Codependents usually come from troubled and dysfunctional families. Many will argue this is not true and often blame them self for their families shortcomings. Why? They have a tendency to blame the “self” for everything: not smart enough, not attractive enough, not athletic enough, not successful enough and simply not good enough. But if another criticizes a codependent it’s not unusual for him to get defensive or even very angry. And don’t try to compliment codependent men! Most will downplay praise or reject it outright. Accepting compliments and gifts is unusually difficult for them. Codependents reject themself, but fear rejection at the same time. Most everything is taken personally and many love being the victim (although they will vehemently deny it). Ultimately, they are trying to prove to others that they are good enough while to themselves feeling worthless and empty. Getting into and staying in recovery is the ONLY way codependency gets healthier!
Don’t wait until everything is just right.
It will never be perfect.
There will always be challenges, obstacles
and less than perfect conditions.
So what. Get started now.
Mark Victor Hansen
The joke goes something like, “When his wife sneezes, the codependent man says excuse me”. In similar fashion I find myself feeling apologetic when I don’t understand what someone says. Mishearing someone’s words does not call for “I’m sorry”. All that’s necessary is saying “could you repeat that?” Frequently as children codependents were shamed and made to feel bad even thought they had done nothing wrong. As a child having to apologize for reasons not understood contributes to an over developed sense of shame and a feeling of not being good enough. John Bradshaw wrote, “Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good.”
Change is hard because people overestimate
the value of what they have
and underestimate the value
of what they may gain by giving that up.
James Belasco and Ralph Stayer