Unhealthily dependent relationships have serious consequences, both psychological and physical. Feelings of anger, resentment, irritation, emptiness, conflict, guilt, rejection, low self-esteem, insecurity, lack of respect or appreciation are all at risk to become manifest in the various forms of dependent relationships. Emotional consequences include chronic anxiety and stress, suppression of feelings, and the diminishing ability to trust and experience true intimacy. It is not uncommon for physical illness to arise as a result of the persistence of anxiety and stress. So how can this be fixed? It’s not an easy process. One of the most difficult ideas to grasp and accept is the fact that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, nor can another person be responsible for yours. Your thoughts, your feelings and your behavioral choices are yours and yours alone. Nor do you have control over someone else’s feelings. Believing that someone “made me feel guilty” is among the most common refrains to surface in therapy sessions. No one can MAKE you feel anything you choose not to feel. True, you are always entitled to your feelings, no one can take them away from you, and we can be affected by what others say and do to us, but if you decided you weren’t guilty in a particular situation, then you don’t have to feel guilty. And if someone is mad at you, it doesn’t mean you are “bad.” It just means the person is angry. The emotion belongs solely to the person in whom it arises. That person is entitled to it, and also responsible for it. This is a very tough concept to accept. It’s so easy to think that someone else made you feel as you do. But the first step in having healthy, interdependent relationships is being willing to be responsible for your own (and only your own) emotions. Learning to use true “I” statements (as in “I feel guilty about…” instead of “you made me feel guilty about” or “I was made to feel guilty about…”) will be crucial. From an on-line article by Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99
Our dependency
makes slaves out of us,
especially if this dependency
is a dependency
of our self-esteem.
Fritz Perls
