Male Codependence

The divorced individuals in the study who blamed ex-spouses, or even themselves, had more anxiety, depression and sleep disorders than individuals who blamed the way that they and their partners interacted. Those who held on to anger were less likely to move on, build a strong new relationship and address future problems in a positive, proactive manner. It’s hard not to blame. In the study, 65% of divorced individuals blamed their ex-spouses, with more women blaming an ex-husband (80%) than men blaming an ex-wife (47%). And 16% of men blamed themselves, compared with only 4% of women. Dr. Orbuch (Dr. Terri Orbuch (psychologist the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research) says the men may simply accept their ex’s view of the breakup. More men than women admitted to an extramarital affair. How do you blame in a healthy way? Say “we,” not “you” or “I.” Say, “We are both so tired lately,” not “You are so crabby.” When you remove blame, it’s easier to come up with a solution. Ask your partner for his or her view of a problem. Say, “Why do you think we aren’t getting along?” “There are multiple ways of seeing a problem,” Dr. Orbuch says. “By getting your partner’s perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective.” From “Divorcé’s Guide to Marriage” by Elizabeth Bernstein http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444025204577544951717564114.html

People do not get married
planning to divorce.
Divorce is the result
of a lack of preparation
for marriage and the failure
to learn the skills of working
together as teammates
in an intimate relationship.
Gary Chapman