We are all both good and bad, it is not an either/or position. The more honest we can be in acknowledging our dark side is the first step to claiming our imperfection. Ideally over time we can reduce our pile of internal bad. Think of yourself developmentally — through the age of 27 the dark side may be more than 50%. Then in our 30′s and 40′s we start chipping away at it through self-awareness so the bad gets smaller. (Ask anyone over 40 if they would start over again and the answer is likely to be “No.”) One of the goals in life is the ongoing process of making the bad smaller. Therefore, being able to tolerate bad feelings about yourself is crucial to learning and growth. One exercise to reduce anxiety is to make a list of all the “shoulds” you burden yourself with. This pile of “shoulds” is one of the ways you erase having any room to breathe. Sort out which are the “shoulds” you agree with. Years ago when I carpooled little kids to nursery school I would make a wrong turn on purpose and I was amazed at their anxiety. I would soothe them with how important mistakes are in life, because they seemed so insulated, as many suburban people are, from the notion that mistakes could be good. Our American culture feeds this point of view with the myth of success. Anxiety erupts it’s ugly head when we expect things to be a certain way. All our vacations should be sunny every day & we expect our lives to be stuffed full of happiness and certainty. Other cultures don’t have the same expectations. We can learn a lot from Asian culture, for example. Their idea of life is much more encompassing. Pain and setbacks are expected, not ignored. The reality of the complicatedness of life is more accurate. Happiness is understood to be a byproduct of life choices not an end goal. We could reduce our anxiety if we could pursue this frame of reference. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
If something bad happened
just do this 3 things.
and third accept
that it happened.
Kenneth de Guzman
Mate after mate we find ourselves trying to adapt to who they want us to be till eventually we lose our true identity. We spend countless years learning each mate but never take the time to learn ourselves. In the end we know our mates better than we know ourselves. If and when the mate walks away we are stuck living with a stranger, ourselves. If u can’t find comfort in yourself how can anyone else find comfort in you? Al-Saadiq Banks
You’re reaching out
And no one hears you cry.
You’re freaking out again
‘Cause all your fears
Remind you another dream has come undone.
You feel so small and lost like you’re the only one.
You wanna scream ’cause you’re
You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight.
You want a reason to keep believing
That someday you’re gonna see the light.
You’re in the dark
There’s no one left to call
And sleep’s your only friend.
Well even sleep
Can’t hide you from all those tears
And all the pain and all the days
You wasted pushing them away.
It’s your life, it’s time.
As more adults are being diagnosed with ADHD, mental health professionals are learning that the major problems faced by these adults occur in their interpersonal relationships. The primary reason that adults with ADHD have poor interpersonal relationships is that they have underdeveloped social skills, the major one being empathy. The way the spouse of the ADHD partner often copes with this lack of empathy is to become codependent. Codependence is defined as a state of mind where you put your needs and dreams aside in order to help the other person have a life. Kindness is doing these kinds of things sometimes and having a balance of give and take in a relationship. In a codependent relationship, no matter how much you give, the other person does not return the favor. Yet you keep on giving, getting more fatigued, frustrated and resentful. Codependence leads to micromanaging the ADHD members of the family. Because the ADHD members are doing everything they can to quell the busy brain in their heads and to manage the main duties of life, everything else gets dropped. The codependent person picks up what is dropped along with managing his or her own life. The codependent eventually burns out. To get beyond codependency, you need to explore self-care. The codependent person needs to recognize that he/she counts just as much as the people they are protecting. By breaking the cycle of codependence, you are giving back, to your spouse and to your children responsibility for their behavior. The first step toward your recovery and theirs, is accepting responsibility for your behavior and your life and letting them accept responsibility for theirs. After all, how can they develop responsibility if you do it all for them? From an article by Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S. http://www.addresources.org/?q=node/267
Codependents are reactionaries.
But rarely do they act.
They react to the problems,
pains, lives, and behaviors
of others. They react to their
own problems, pains, and behaviors.
Anxiety is loving certainty. It is stressful to live in an anxious world, and learning to embrace uncertainty seems impossible to those suffering with anxiety. We must each find a strategy to help us shuttle back and forth between the comfort of what we know, and the discomfort of all that we don’t know to become healthy. Anxiety is about fear being in charge of most of your choices. Getting stuck in fear robs you of possibilities in your life. An example of this is when you are too afraid to make mistakes. Making mistakes is the lynchpin to learning, in fact we learn far more from our mistakes than our successes. If you have anxiety you must learn to use your thinking to balance your exaggerated feelings of fear. Courage is the ingredient that, if sprinkled on that world, would make all of us better people. Greater courage is the antidote to anxiety. Learn to imagine new ways to have courage and to make your world larger. Real courage always has fear attached. Fearless courage is only the foolishness of youth. Follow your curiosity and try new small steps out into the world instead of waiting for life to happen to you. Invite fear to take a back seat instead of driving the train. Fear and excitement always travel together. Remember being scared of learning to ride a bicycle and being excited at the same time? Learn to allow room for both emotions. Don’t let fear erase excitement. Growth depends on one foot being in the familiar and one foot in the unfamiliar… Confusion is the emotion that is crucial to “allowing room for change,” which is exactly why adolescents are both confused and changing. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
The fear of becoming old
is born of the recognition
that one is not living now
the life that one wishes.
It is equivalent to a sense
of abusing the present.
Bipolar disorder, although rare in young children, can appear in both children and adolescents. The unusual shifts in mood, energy and functioning that are characteristic of bipolar disorder may begin with manic, depressive, or mixed manic and depressive symptoms. It is more likely to affect the children of parents who have the illness. Twenty to forty percent of adolescents with major depression go on to reveal bipolar disorder within five years after the onset of depression. Depression in children and adolescents is associated with an increased risk of suicidal behaviors. This risk may rise, particularly among adolescent males, if the depression is accompanied by conduct disorder and alcohol or other substance abuse. In 2000, suicide was the third leading cause of death among young males, age 10 to 24. (National Institute of Mental Health) NIMH-supported researchers found that among adolescents who develop major depressive disorder, as many as seven percent may die by suicide in the young adult years. Therefore, it is important for doctors and parents to take seriously any remarks about suicide. Early diagnosis and treatment, accurate evaluation of suicidal thinking, and limiting young people’s access to lethal agents—including firearms and medications—may hold the greatest suicide prevention value. https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/resources/men-and-depression.aspx
Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain,
but it is more common and also more hard to bear.
The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain
increases the burden: it is easier to say
“My tooth is aching”
than to say
“My heart is broken.”
Worrying can be helpful when it spurs you to take action and solve a problem. But if you’re preoccupied with “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, worry becomes a problem. Unrelenting doubts and fears can be paralyzing. They can sap your emotional energy, send your anxiety levels soaring, and interfere with your daily life. But chronic worrying is a mental habit that can be broken. You can train your brain to stay calm and look at life from a more positive perspective. Constant worrying takes a heavy toll. It keeps you up at night and makes you tense and edgy during the day. You hate feeling like a nervous wreck. So why is it so difficult to stop worrying? For most chronic worriers, the anxious thoughts are fueled by the beliefs—both negative and positive—they hold about worrying. On the negative side, you may believe that your constant worrying is harmful, that it’s going to drive you crazy or affect your physical health. Or you may worry that you’re going to lose all control over your worrying—that it will take over and never stop. On the positive side, you may believe that your worrying helps you avoid bad things, prevents problems, prepares you for the worst, or leads to solutions. Negative beliefs, or worrying about worrying, add to your anxiety and keep worry going. But positive beliefs about worrying can be just as damaging. It’s tough to break the worry habit if you believe that your worrying protects you. In order to stop worry and anxiety for good, you must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realize that worrying is the problem, not the solution, you can regain control of your worried mind. Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such
that you can do something about it, then there
is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable,
then there is no help in worrying.
There is no benefit in worrying
Dalai Lama XIC
So, what causes men to move on so quickly from a breakup with you to the arms of another woman? You could easily believe the rapidity of his action indicates he isn’t at all broken up about your breakup, that he had no deep feelings for you and he cavalierly is humming to himself, “Another One Bites The Dust.” They would, however, be completely wrong. You see, when men invest emotionally in a relationship, their feelings run as deeply as yours, whether they show it or now. So, when their relationship crumbles, it causes a huge emotional void. …men don’t have the social support network to buoy them up in their time of pain and sadness. If they thought that kind of behavior would be acceptable, they might engage in it. But men are all too aware that stoicism, soldiering on, and “walking it off” are fundamental guidelines in the male handbook… He’s hurting, but he can’t tell anyone. And grieving and wallowing in private are likely to only lead to consuming mass quantities of Jim Beam to dull his pain. Thus, he realizes, with such limited options available, he must speedily move to contain his about-to-erupt emotions by filling the vacuum created by the demise of his previous relationship. How does he do this? By seeking out someone else to focus his attention on, both emotionally and sexually. And, the sooner, the better, for it is this new woman who heals his wounds by allowing him to step back into the comfortable, acceptable space of being the tough, unruffled man that he is supposed to be. She facilitates his return to a state of being where he can once again feel masculine and in control of himself and his emotions. Order is restored and all is right with the world again. The speed in which a man moves from a bitter breakup to a new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he’s feeling — the deeper the hurt, the quicker the hookup. So if you see your ex in the arms of another within days of your breakup, don’t write him off as a horny, uncaring, slime-bucket. Instead, recognize that he was deeply hurt by the end of your relationship and is doing the best he can to mend his broken heart. Taken from an article by David M. Matthews, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/05/rebound-relationship-why-_n_1569001.html
doesn’t always mean
you are weak;
sometimes it means
that you are
to let go.
Feeling ‘not good enough’ is very common. As a child, we have often been criticized by our parents, told off, told we should, could, must, be and do better. And often this results in the extremely damaging sub-conscious belief ‘I’m not good enough, and nothing I do is ever good enough’. The result is that we feel dissatisfied with ourselves, and with everything we ever do. It is a hard existence! If you have this belief, you will find it very difficult to complete anything (because, if you complete it, it will not be good enough… at least, if it is incomplete, you have an excuse.) You may go from project to project, never be able to rest, admire your creation, say ‘I did that!’ and feel proud. Your negative belief will be projected outwards and you will feel dissatisfied with your partner, your friends. Nothing about them will be ‘good enough’ either. Your partner cries ‘you’re never satisfied!’. You feel guilty you are ‘not doing enough’. Nothing is ever enough. If you think about it, ‘I’m not good enough, and nothing I ever do is ever good enough’ is a total negation of self. The entire self has been rejected, and consigned to the scrap heap. The process for changing it is NOT to go around saying ‘I feel good about myself’ fifty times. Positive affirmations do not work. They just overlay on top of what our sub-conscious KNOWS is true – which is ‘I’m not good enough’. The way to clear a belief is simply to go into the dark cupboard, pull out the belief. Bring it into awareness, and say, yes! This has been true for me. I acknowledge it and surrender to it. In this instant, as we embrace it, the belief’s power magically goes ‘ping!’ and it is no longer true for us. Please note that in embracing a negative belief we are not condoning it. We are merely bringing it into the light and acknowledging it so that it can be changed. From an article by Jelila /Angela Torrington http://www.baliadvertiser.biz/articles/spiritual/2005/feeling.html
Vanity and pride are different things,
though the words are often used synonymously.
A person may be proud without being vain.
Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves,
vanity to what we would have others think of us.
Verbal abuse within intimate relationships is more than name-calling. The partner engaging in abusive behaviors may use withholding, taunting, accusing, belittling, lying, put downs, abuse disguised as jokes, yelling and raging. These emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors are about maintaining control and power in a relationship. Those who are on the receiving end of these behaviors may feel confused about what’s really happening for themselves – and within their relationship. That’s part of what makes verbally abusive relationships so dangerous. The person engaging in abusive behaviors is often skilled at twisting things around in ways that make the person being abused feel like it’s her/his fault. Since the person being targeted is usually blamed, ignored or yelled at, there’s often great confusion and lack of clarity about what’s really happening in a relationship. In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, author Patricia Evans describes some of the obstacles and indicators that contribute to the difficulty of recognizing verbal abuse in one’s intimate relationship.
* The abuse is often subtle with control increasing over time – and the partner gradually learns to adapt to it.
* The partner has learned to overlook disrespect, unkindness, disregard and indifference and doesn’t stand up for them self.
* The person being targeted “forgets” the abuse when their partner is friendly to them.
* The abuser and the partner may function well together in terms of working, caring for a home, raising children – so the abuse is overlooked, minimized or ignored – both by the person being abused and those who witness it.
* The partner takes too much responsibility for the pattern of abuse and thinks there’s something wrong with them self.
* The person being targeted has no models or knowledge of healthy relationships to which they can compare the relationship.
Evans reminds us that verbal abuse is a kind of battering – and that while words don’t leave visible scars, the pain of verbal abuse is deep, long-lasting and recovery can be very challenging. Verbally abusive relationships rarely just “get better” on their own and often escalate to physical abuse. Taken from an article by Karen Pace, Michigan State University Extension, http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/is_your_relationship_verbally_abusive
The words with which a child’s heart is poisoned,
whether through malice or through ignorance,
remain branded in his memory,
and sooner or later they burn his soul.
Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Psychologists have identified a number of core aspects of personality, and one of the most important is a characteristic called agreeableness. Agreeableness reflects how important it is for you to get along with other people. If you are highly agreeable, then you organize your life in ways to make sure that the people around you are happy and that they feel warmly toward you. If you are not that agreeable, then you don’t really care much about how the people around you feel about you. Now, you might think that being agreeable is generally a good thing and that being disagreeable is not. After all, if you are disagreeable, you may get people angry with you or you might turn off your friends. Disagreeable people may come off as judgmental or cold. But people who are highly agreeable are often too nice. And that can be a huge problem. Remember, that if you are highly agreeable, you want other people to like you. As a result, you may not want to say things to other people that might upset them. That means that you will not stick up for yourself in lots of situations. You may not tell a friend or significant other that you are not interested in going to an event that they want to attend. You may not tell someone else that they have upset you. You probably have a hard time asking for a raise. What can you do if you find that you’re being too nice? Here are a few suggestions.
Say what you mean. Agreeable people often speak indirectly when they want to criticize or to disagree. If you and your friends are deciding on a plan, and someone suggests something that you don’t enjoy doing, don’t say something vague like, “That isn’t my favorite thing,” or “I guess that is ok.” Be more direct. It is ok to say, “I don’t enjoy that.” You may not always get your way, but at least your opinion will be known.
Write what you can’t say. Writing can help. When you write a note or email to someone else, you distance yourself from their direct reaction. That can be helpful for starting a difficult conversation. While it is always better to speak to someone directly than to write to them, it is better to write than to say nothing at all.
Engage your friends. Often, when you have to say something that you are afraid might offend someone, you assume the worst. You begin to believe that someone else will take what you have to say in the worst possible way. In the end, it is easy to talk yourself out of communicating at all, because you fear a negative reaction. From an article by By Art Markman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/when-being-too-nice-hurts_n_2122238.html
Being too nice
of being hurt,
taken for granted.