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All posts for the month June, 2013

Personality Types and Addiction

Posted by James Browning on June 16, 2013
Posted in: Addiction, Asking for help, Self Destructive. Tagged: , , .

addicted_to_alcoholThe immature personality: Some people never really become mature adults. They may remain unduly close to their parents. They often boast about those few things that they have actually accomplished, are unable to form close relationships with others, and are self-centered.  

The anti-social personality: These people are unable to accept frustration. They live for, expect and must have easy and continuous gratification. They often eat a lot, chew sweets and smoke, as well as drink heavily. They drink for two reasons – to reduce the personal discomfort that results from frustration and to provide instant and dependable gratification. They are impulsive and do not learn from their mistakes.

The self-punitive personality: Some outwardly docile people are actually repressing aggressive tendencies. This results in inner tension and alcohol helps to relieve this tension. Often alcohol releases the aggression.

The stressed or anxious personality: Some people find stress more difficult to deal with than others. They may use alcohol in an attempt to cope.

The passive-aggressive personality: This term refers to someone with an outwardly calm and acquiescent shell that hides inner anger. They find it impossible to deal with anger-inducing situations.

Many addicts do not have these personality types, and of course if you recognize yourself above it does not automatically follow that you are at increased risk of addiction. It’s important to remember that no personality is immune to addiction. Proneness to alcoholism is better recognized by examining someone’s existing drinking habits than by assessing their personality. Modern, well-organized studies do not support a role for personality in addiction. Most of the theories outlined above are not well supported by scientific evidence. By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

There are two questions a man
must ask himself: The first is
‘Where am I going?’ the second is
‘Who will go with me?’ If you ever
get these questions in the wrong order
you are in trouble.
Sam Keen

Causes of Addiction

Posted by James Browning on June 15, 2013
Posted in: Abuse, Addiction, Self Destructive. Tagged: , , .

HEALTH Alcohol 074058There is much controversy as to the causes of addiction, not least because the exact biology of addiction is unknown. There are a number of theories, briefly explained below, but none should be considered to be the definitive account nor is any one theory mutually exclusive of any other. It appears that characteristics of the individual including their personality), the properties of alcohol and drugs, and environmental factors interact to produce addiction. But it’s difficult to determine whether the individual’s personality or their environment is the primary factor in causing addiction. A considerable body of research suggests that a tendency to alcoholism may be inherited. Alcoholism seems to be much more common in some families and this inherited type of alcoholism particularly affects men. Individuals may inherit a higher tolerance for alcohol (they need more drink than others to achieve the same effect), or they may inherit an increased chance of becoming dependent. Cognition is the process by which we attain knowledge and awareness of the world, and it has been argued that addiction is not inherited but is a learned behavior. The more one consumes the more likely one is to be become addicted. Addiction can thus happen to anyone. The cognitive approach to addiction assumes that:
* Addictive behavior is ‘learned’
* Addiction is not a disease
* The behavior can thus be ‘unlearned’.
The phrase ‘addictive personality’ is used so commonly in our culture that few of us question whether an addictive personality type really exists, yet many doctors and psychiatrists believe that the term means little or nothing. Certainly, there is little evidence for an addictive personality as such. Personality is complex and the role of personality in addiction is uncertain. It’s difficult to disentangle the effects of personality on addiction from the effects of addiction on personality. There’s no single addictive personality. However, there are a number of personality types that have been associated with addiction, and they are outlined below. The strongest evidence exists for ‘antisocial personality. By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

I used to think a drug addict
was someone who lived
on the far edges of society.
Wild-eyed, shaven-headed
and living in a filthy squat.
That was until I became one…
Cathryn Kemp

Substance Misuse

Posted by James Browning on June 14, 2013
Posted in: Abuse, Addiction, Appropriate Behavior. Tagged: , , .

300_695831‘Substance misuse’ is a term used to describe the situation when a drinker or drug user experiences mental or physical harm as a result of their habit without necessarily being addicted to the substance in question. Substance misuse needs to be contrasted with substance dependence (also known as addiction). Dependence occurs at a more advanced stage of the addiction process. Doctors make a diagnosis of addiction if three or more of the following features are present.
+ A strong desire or sense of compulsion to take the substance.
+ Difficulties controlling the substance-taking behavior in terms of when it occurs, and or being able to stop, and or being unable to control the amount consumed once started.
+ A physically unpleasant withdrawal state when not consuming the substance.
+ Further substance use to relieve or avoid the withdrawal state.
+ Evidence of increased tolerance (increased doses are required in order to achieve effects originally produced by lower doses).
+ Progressive neglect of alternative pleasures or interests because of the substance use.
+ Persisting with substance use despite clear evidence of harmful consequences.
+ Narrowing of a person’s ‘personal repertoire’ or lifestyle – i.e. taking the substance becomes more important than anything else.  By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

If you’re an addict,
it controls your life
and your life becomes
uncontrollable.
It’s boring and painful,
filling your system
with something that makes
you stare at your shoes
for six hours.
James Taylor

Marriage Appears to Protect Men

Posted by James Browning on June 13, 2013
Posted in: Abuse, Addiction, Family problems. Tagged: , , .

934919_320711814725616_1614684565_nMen are much more likely to be addicted to alcohol and other substances than women. Two thirds of attendees at Alcoholics Anonymous are men (although this figure was 80 per cent in 1972).  A large American study has found that men are twice as likely as women to have a substance dependence disorder, with a lifetime prevalence of almost 36 per cent for men and 18 per cent for women. In other words, over one-third of the male population of the U.S. has been dependent on alcohol or drugs at some stage of their lives. Men in the 25 to 34 year age group were twice as likely as those in the 45 to 50 year-old age group to report substance dependency. Alcohol and drug abuse are strongly associated with an increased suicide rate in men. In a large British study men were three times more likely than women to be alcohol dependent and twice as likely to be drug dependent. Almost 8 per cent of British men and almost 5 per cent of women said that they had been drug dependent at some time in their lives, 3 per cent of men and 1 per cent of women reporting dependence during the previous year. Marriage appears to protect men from addiction problems. Never being married or becoming single is associated with increased alcohol consumption, while getting married is associated with a drop in alcohol consumption. By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

…most substance-addicted people
are also addicted to thinking,
meaning they have a compulsive
and unhealthy relationship
with their own thinking.
David Foster Wallace

Narcissist: A Person Who Can Not Love – Part 3

Posted by James Browning on June 12, 2013
Posted in: Control, Denial, Emotions. Tagged: , , .

People-with-Low-Self-EsteemWhen you date a narcissist, they can be very charming and this is a trap. It’s really up to you to avoid this trap because the narcissist can’t help it. This is an incurable untreatable personality disorder. If you run across a spider who bites you, you can’t blame the spider. It’s your job to avoid the spider as best you can. It’s extremely difficult to avoid a charming narcissist because this is their one huge talent. In the beginning of a relationship, few people are as compelling as a narcissist. It will look as if all your dreams are coming true. Look beyond the charm. How many times has the narcissist been married? How many hearts has this person broken in the past? What are the reasons for the break ups? Question closely, and listen even more closely. In the end, only you can protect yourself from the trap a narcissist will lay. Just remember, once you enter a relationship with a narcissist, you will never get out unless that narcissist gets tired of you. Since you don’t really exist for the narcissist as a human being, it will be nothing for this person to drop you like a stone without looking back even once. No ties, no money, no children, no history, certainly no begging or crying will get this person back. This person will view you with nothing less than contempt and annoyance. You are less than nothing to a narcissist and in danger of becoming less than nothing to yourself. http://www.ehow.com/how_4818960_not-love-naricissitic-personality-disorder.html

So many times it seemed like
there were chances to stop things
before they started. Or even
stop them in midstream.
But it was even worse when
you knew in that very moment
that there was still time
to save yourself, and yet
you couldn’t even budge.
Sarah Dessen

Narcissist: A Person Who Can Not Love – Part 2

Posted by James Browning on June 11, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Dysfunctional relationships, Not Good Enough. Tagged: , , .

38Narcissists have a personality disorder that does not allow them to tell the truth to themselves. If they did tell the truth to themselves, it would go something like this: I hate myself. I can’t love anyone outside of myself in a meaningful manner because my emotions are infantile. I feel like an emotional infant and it’s always got to be me, me, me, and I know this, and I don’t like it, so I’m always mad at everyone around me, because I hate myself for being this way. PLUS, I am a brilliant person, a superior person, I’m talented, smart, gorgeous, so I deserve beautiful amazing people around me, and they should all adore me. But if they do, I’ll be mad at them because it will never be enough because everyone around me is a mere reflection of me. Narcissists don’t really see you for who you are. This does not mean they don’t understand you. It’s just that, even if they do understand you, they don’t care. The reason for this is, to a narcissist, you are there for them. You are there for them and you are a reflection of them. Since the narcissist already hates themselves, (too fat, too thin, too poor, too warty, too wrinkled, background too poor, father too abusive, whatever) they want you to be better than they are. But when you are, they judge you for liking them. It’s like the old Groucho Marx joke: I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member. If you think the narcissist is good enough for you, then you are not good enough for the narcissist. http://www.ehow.com/how_4818960_not-love-naricissitic-personality-disorder.html

If you ignore me,
I will ignore you.
If you don’t start
the conversation,
we won’t talk.
If you don’t put
in the effort,
why should I?
unknown

Narcissist: A Person Who Can Not Love – Part 1

Posted by James Browning on June 10, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Appropriate Behavior, Boundaries. Tagged: , , .

26594One thing you will need to spot a person, who is incapable of love, is some experience. The inexperienced person who falls in love for the first time is capable of being blind sided. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you won’t know when you see it. A person who can’t love can be charming, beautiful, even generous. But we will dissect those qualities so you see what they mean in such a person A person who is charming wants you to like them. It’s not about you. A person who is beautiful, is just fortunate, or spends a lot of time taking care of them selves so they can look good on the outside. Again, it’s not about you. A person who is generous gives for a variety of reasons. Generous people can give because they genuinely care about others. But sometimes it’s because they want to feel good about themselves. It has been said that narcissists can’t love others because they are too in love with themselves. This is actually not true. Narcissists don’t love themselves. They hate themselves but they also have huge egos, which are damaged egos. Narcissists require love from others in order to feed off that love, so they can tolerate themselves. http://www.ehow.com/how_4818960_not-love-naricissitic-personality-disorder.html

Nice people
don’t necessarily
fall in love
with nice people.
Jonathan Franzen

Why Men Hide Their Feelings: REASON #5

Posted by James Browning on June 9, 2013
Posted in: Committed relationships, Communication, Feelings. Tagged: , , .

photo_12

HE IS WAITING ON YOU: Let’s assume a man gets through the first four reasons for hiding his emotions. He is ready to wear his heart on his sleeve and say those three little words. Now the ball is in your court. The right man will wait for you to show him that it’s okay to fall in love. He will wait until you show him it is okay to share everything he thinks and feels. But once you give him that green light, look out! A man who has moved past the four big reasons for hiding his emotions is a man who is READY to move forward. He wants something real, and he wants it with you. When you’re ready to go, so is he. So be prepared for a truckload of emotion! This is the point where he will start talk. He will tell you everything. The man will NOT shut up. And this is GOOD. No, actually…this is GREAT! http://relationshipabode.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/why-men-hide-their-feelings/

In the end, I’ll regret all the chances
I didn’t take with you. I’ll regret all
the moments I let slip by. I’ll regret
all the times I hid my feelings from you.
And in end, my biggest regret was losing you.
Mahmoud El Hallab

Why Men Hide Their Feelings: REASON #4

Posted by James Browning on June 8, 2013
Posted in: Appropriate Behavior, Feelings, relationships. Tagged: , , .

métis 72HE MUST FEEL SAFE: What will get a man over the speed bumps and into the home stretch? He has to trust you. He has to know that all that fear and confusion and uncertainty will land him in a SAFE place. Everyone wants to feel safe, right? You can help him feel safe by giving him every reason to trust you. Give him every reason to feel comfortable with you. Listen to him talk. Share parts of your life with him. Offer a listening ear when he needs it. Share your thoughts and feelings – within reason, of course. The closer you get, the more comfortable he will feel. The more comfortable he is, the safer he will feel. Soon he will be sharing everything he feels with you. That fear will gradually fade away. http://relationshipabode.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/why-men-hide-their-feelings/

Don’t ever play
with someone’s feelings,
you could win the game
but you could lose
that person forever.
Frank Ocean

Why Men Hide Their Feelings: REASON #3

Posted by James Browning on June 7, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Emotions, Feelings. Tagged: , , .

being-a-manTHEIR EMOTIONAL BONDS TAKE LONGER: Men tend to take much longer than women to get in touch with their emotions. That’s why a woman is often ready to go full-speed-ahead and he is stalling like mad! It isn’t that he’s stalling. He just really isn’t there yet. This can quickly become a problem! One of the worst things you can do is push things at this stage. A man has to come around to the idea on his own. He has to believe it was HIS idea to get emotionally involved with you. By pushing him for a commitment before he’s ready, he will go back to being scared. That’s not good for anybody. This is the time when patience REALLY is the key. If his emotions are not there yet, sit back and give him a bit more time. Don’t worry about the question of whether he is stalling to stay out of a relationship. If he is doing that, he will never move forward. You will recognize it! But if he is moving forward – just at a slower pace than you might like – he’s still in the game. That bond WILL form. Take a deep breath and be patient. It might happen sooner than you think! http://relationshipabode.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/why-men-hide-their-feelings/

 Life is to short to hide feelings.
So don’t be afraid to tell people
how you feel. You never know if
they have the same feelings.
Hussein Nishah