Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us “permission”; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you “change back.” That’s why it’s so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:
- Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood.
- Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change.
- Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead.
- Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
- Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too.
As you make changes, keep in mind the following:
- Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don’t try to make your family perfect.
- Realize that you are not in control of other people’s lives. You do not have the power to make others change.
- Don’t try to win the old struggles – you can’t win.
- Set clear limits – e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say “no,” not “be.”
- Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.
Don’t become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day-to-day living. http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=171
The fastest way to be a bad parent
is to never let your child be a kid.
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