There are fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtless friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of someone less fortunate. Today you can make your life – significant and worthwhile. The present is yours to do with as you will. Grenville Kleiser
Incredible change happens in your life
when you decide to take control
of what you do have power over
instead of craving control
over what you don’t.
Romance Addicts… are addicted to multiple partners. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts. However, unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners—to one degree or another— even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By “romance” I mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner. Relationship Addicts… are no longer in love with their partners but still cannot let go. Usually, they are so unhappy that the relationship affects their health, spirit and emotional well-being. Even if their partner batters them, and they are in danger, they cannot let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. This can be summed up as “I hate you don’t leave me.” Taken from Love Addicts Anonymous website http://www.loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html
When you can stop
you don’t want to,
and when you want to stop,
Imagine, if you will, a condition that affects every part of your being, particularly affecting you mentally and emotionally. Imagine, you are being controlled by someone you love very much, who may be addicted to drugs or alcohol or may be suffering through another type of illness. Imagine you are depressed because you feel trapped, yet you feel obligated to be there and endure more than you should because you feel that person needs you in order to survive. Imagine you are one half of a codependent relationship that feels like an endless cycle, and the more you run, you’re not going anywhere, you’re just growing tired of it all. This is codependency. Codependency as defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another… The truth of the matter is that codependency is an addiction itself. One person is addicted to controlling others because he or she feels they have no control over their own lives. Meanwhile, the other person in the relationship is addicted to being controlled and fulfilling the needs of the controller. Tameko Barnette,
Whether you are a man or woman,
make sure that you see the person
that you are considering
to build a relationship with
for who they are,
not what you want them to be.
Imam Khalid Latif
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. From “The Gifts of Imperfection…” by Brene Brown
Love is made up of three unconditional
properties in equal measure:
Remove any one of the three
and the triangle falls apart.
“I wish my father would hug me.” That wish had always been there, a dormant yearning. But now, for the first time I was willing to acknowledge it – to myself. To some it may sound a bit strange. I mean, why would a 25-year old therapist recovering from chemical dependency get all worked up over a simple thing like hugging his father? I’ll tell you why. Because I am a co-dependent, an adult child of an alcoholic. Because like so many in our culture, I grew up in a troubled home filled with dysfunctional rules of co-dependency. That’s why. Moreover, because of my co-dependent family history, I now realize that much of my childhood had been lost. I learned young to take care of myself and to do without important nurturing that children need to get from their parents; caught between a hug and a hard place. Adult children of alcoholics are in a constant conflict over what they experience as a crazy separation within their own spirit. They grow up intellectually and many of them learn the social skills required in order to look healthy – but, like me, they’re faking it most of the time and guessing at what’s normal. Beneath that surface and behind that veneer is a chameleon-like identity. For example, I go to church and be one man and then go someplace else and be another, but as far as what’s on the inside, a chameleon doesn’t change. From “Lost In the Shuffle” by Robert Subby
I spend all of you
I’m okay when I’ not,
pretending I’m Happy
when I’m not,
everything to everyone.
Addiction can be defined in a general way as a compulsive (repeated action without choice) and chronic (ongoing over time) pattern of using a substance or behavior for soothing, comforting and/or arousal as a means of medicating uncomfortable feelings. Addicts typically continue use of their “drug of choice” despite negative consequences. Sex addiction is a compulsive pattern of pursuing sexual arousal independent of emotional attachments. Love addiction is a little harder to define simply because by nature we are all addicted to love – meaning we want it, seek it and have a hard time not thinking about it. We need attachment to survive and we instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection. There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love. Love addiction, however, is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person. During infatuation we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love with fix everything. From “Psychology Today” by Ann Smith
No feeling is no replacement for reality.
Your problems today
are still your problems tomorrow.
Larry Michael Dredla
Projection occurs when you see split-off parts of yourself in other people, and don’t recognize them in yourself. If for instance, you repress your anger and always try to be soothing or agreeable, you will experience yourself as a pleasant person. The people you interact with, however, may experience your anger in subtle ways. They may notice your tight jaw, frowning brows, pointed remarks, tense body posture or sharp tone of voice. Projection is complicated by the fusion of codependency and the inability to feel and act separate from other people. By seeing in others the very qualities that you refuse to acknowledge in yourself, you can avoid taking responsibility for your own feelings and for taking charge of your life. …the more they are ignored or denied, the more strength they gain.
To regret one’s own experiences
is to arrest one’s own development.
To deny one’s own experiences
is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life.
It is no less than a denial of the soul.
I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always … so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you. From “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel
Our greatest fear
should not be of failure
but of succeeding at things in life
that don’t really matter.
The psyche cannot tolerate a vacuum of love. In the severely abused or deprived child, pain, dis-ease, and violence rush in to fill the void. In the average person in our culture, who has been only “normally” deprived of touch, anxiety and an insatiable hunger for possessions replace the missing Eros. The child lacking a sense of welcome, joyous belonging, gratuitous security, will learn to hoard the limited supply of affection. According to the law of psychic compensation, not being held leads to holding on, grasping, addiction, possessiveness. Gradually, things replace people as a source of pleasure and security. When the gift of belonging with is denied, the child learns that love means belonging to. To the degree we are arrested at this stage of development, the needy child will dominate our motivations. Other people and things (and there is fundamentally no difference) will be seen as existing solely for the purpose of “my” survival and satisfaction. “Mine” will become the most important word. From “The Passionate Life: Stages of Loving” by Sam Keen
For God’s sake,
let’s take the word ‘possess’
and put a brick round its neck and drown it …
We can’t possess one another.
We can only give and hazard all we have.
Dorothy L. Sayers
Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence. Henri J.M. Nouwen
your innermost feelings.
Asa Don Brown