Male Codependence

There’s a quip sometimes heard around recovery groups that goes something like “take a room of a thousand people with only two dysfunctional people and the two will find each other thinking they have found a soul mate”. In other words, ‘messed up’ people are magnetically drawn to each other. It makes sense as they have a lot in common, but not commonality that’s ground for a good and peaceful coexistence. In recovery I see one of the reasons why my past romantic relationships were often so troubled. Person “A” (me) a codependent with control issues seeks Person “B” (her), a compliant codependent who needs to be “fixed”. Without realizing it, being with a dysfunctional person enabled me to remain unhealthy, be a victim, and not have to change. With someone to fix, help, blame and focus on I hid my dysfunction from my self by focusing on a partners dysfunction. Sort of like hiding smoke within other smoke and pretending there is no fire.

Because you’re not
what I would have you be,
I blind myself to who,
in truth, you are.
Madeleine L’Engle