The better I understand myself, the better I’m able to accept or change who I am. Being in the dark about who I am means continuing to get caught up in my own internal struggles and allowing outside forces to mold and shape me. Such was my life for a long time. Self-view began to clear a little when I started asking questions of myself and sticking with them repeatedly until pieces of an answer appeared. Who am I? Where am I going? What pleases me about myself? Who would I like to be? How would I like to change? What do I like about myself? In what ways can I improve my life? Am I living up to my potential? Getting to know myself better began and continues as a quest, one that will last the rest of my life. As long as my desire is genuine I am capable of being all I want to be.
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
My accumulated history can pull me into the quicksand of my thoughts. At times remembering wrongs done and actions regretted I fell dingy, soiled and permanently stained. It feels then like everyone can see the dirtiness all over me. The weight of such thoughts can drag me down into depression if I am not careful. I cannot undo what I have done and my past can’t be rewritten. There is no benefit to anyone pretending things did not happen as they did. In the muddiness of my thoughts, I can become lost in the darkness if I don’t take care of myself. The best way out of the gloom is to use my errors and mistakes as self-teaching tools. Only in the bright light of full acceptance do the shadows of my past no longer show.
Remember today, for it is the beginning of always.
Today marks the start of a brave new future
filled with all your dreams can hold.
Think truly to the future
and make those dreams come true.
Wanting peacefulness, happiness and contentment is not enough. One must be a good gardener of the inner self so such feelings can take root. My discovery has been that peacefulness can only be had in the measure that I am able to know it. Happiness only comes when I have laid a foundation for it. And contentment can only surface in me to the measure that I allow it. I used to think that joy, serenity and gladness would someday come as sudden and welcome arrivals. The life lesson has been that such ways of being don’t arrive because of external factors. Quite the contrary. Peacefulness, happiness and contentment are not things that ever “found me”. Instead, my mind, heart and soul had to become fertile for them to grow in. One I did the necessary “planting, fertilizing and watering” the seeds of goodness sprouted and began to thrive. My life is far from perfect, yet far more perfect than ever before.
We can never obtain peace in the outer world
until we make peace with ourselves.
Wasting time has never been easy for me. Always I have felt if I’m awake I should be doing something: taking care of chores and things I need to do, gaining new knowledge or abilities or extending effort toward my dreams and goals. I have come to know that emotional and mental rest is critical to being content and enjoying life. The frenetic pace I used to maintain accomplished a lot, but was like eating food and barely tasting it. The realization came that was only existing and NOT living. Filling the space of my days with activity without ‘tasting the time’ is a sort of conscious sleepwalking. Being too busy will always be an old habit that refuses to completely die. However, I am fully capable now of, at least at times, letting time pass without any need for accomplishment. There is something amazingly fulfilling about being keenly aware and present in moments of time as they pass by. Now that’s living!
Awareness is the greatest alchemy there is.
Just go on becoming more and more aware,
and you will find your life changing
for the better in every possible dimension.
It will bring great fulfillment.
When getting caught up in thinking too much what might happen I often end up “future tripping”. It’s then that “borrowing trouble” begins and I take a course of action that causes me harm. The injury comes first from not being aware enough to fully live life in the present. Second I harm my future by clouding my very existance with an obsession about outcome. Certainly planning ahead and having a view of what I want my possible future to be like is healthy then to do. But when I am fixated on it I become the walking dead in the present. Repetition of thinking “if I’d only thought ahead, I wouldn’t have this problem now” created my bad habit. Realization that problems are just a normal part of life and not caused by a flaw within changed how much worry and fretting I live with. It still happens, but less and less all the time. Living well in the present is my best insurance of a good future.
Worry is a misuse of imagination.
Codependence is an emotional & behavioural defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos & healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.) the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood & do not get our needs met; our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defence system that causes us to wound ourselves.
(from http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/joy2meu/learning-to-love-our-self/ )
The meaning of good and bad,
of better and worse,
is simply helping or hurting.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the issues of my dysfunction is the uncanny ability to destroy both good and bad relationships. The majority of codependents are either a love addict or love avoidant. Both tend to grab on to a partner too quickly and then feel shattered and destroyed when the breakup comes. Such times left me empty and lost outside of a relationship. So what did I do? Start another relationship quickly or fall into the arms a ‘backup’ I had already been stringing along. Either way I’d loose myself in another romance, often those not at all healthy. My tendency was to give and give, hoping and expecting to “receive” back what I gave; multiplied. Then when it was not returned, in one way or another I destroyed the relationship by picking at it and being a malcontent. That got me out of bad relationships. Problem is I destroyed some good relationships that way.
A funny thing about codependency
is that when you are so focused only on another
they become focused only on themselves, too.
Boats don’t sail well directly against a storm’s wind and can get spun around aimlessly if faced straight into a squall. A sailing ship instead makes its way forward best by being turned at an angle to the wind’s force and continuing forward slowly with caution. Life’s trial, trouble and tribulation often comes as a force much like a howling strong wind. If I face adversity head on, my progress is stopped and I frequently am blown about with a loss of control. But if I angle my approach carefully into the wind of difficulty then slowly I continue forward. How I move toward trouble decides if it stops my progress completely or just slows me down.
Not to have control over the senses
is like sailing in a rudderless ship.
Just because a woman shows a romantic interest in me does not mean we are a good match. Boy, have I learned that from the romance school of hard knocks. In hindsight it is clear that often what I thought was strong attraction was simply a case of the relishing an attractive female’s attention and advances. As a codependent, my need to be appreciated is extraordinarily high while my ability to sort out what is good for me is usually low. My need to be needed can be a blinding affliction sometimes. Knowing my tendencies does not make the habit go away of being pulled toward incompatible women who are interested in me. Rather it helps me stay aware of my inclination so I can resist giving in. The more I refrain, the less difficult it has become to avoid mismatched relationships where we ultimately both get hurt.
A good relationship is a give and take from both people.
A bad relationship is one person giving and the other taking.
Conscientious about going to work is something I have always been. It would be a lie to say I never faked illness for a day off, but such instances have been very, very rare and always necessary. Even then there was usually a good bit of guilt. Life has been particularly busy for me the last two weeks. The accumulation of work and lots of concerts, shows and time with friends wore me down from not sleeping enough. So this morning I slept in several hours later than usual after leaving word last night at the office my arrival would be around lunch time. Self-care is not something I used to be good at, but am improving. Resting when I really needed it was absolutely the best thing I could do for myself and for my employer. When I arrive at my job today I will be rested and ready to get done what I need to. I’m proud of myself for taking care of me!
Our bodies are our gardens
to which our wills are gardeners.