codependence

All posts tagged codependence

What Men Want in a Relationship

Posted by James Browning on April 10, 2013
Posted in: Appropriate Behavior, Committed relationships, Love. Tagged: , , .

MenVs_Women_Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity. Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up. Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests. On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner. Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and possibly make him run away. From “What Men Want in a Relationship” by Rinatta Paries http://powertochange.com/sex-love/menwant/

Those who take lightly
promises they make
to those they love
are people who find
little lasting satisfaction in life.
Brandon Sanderson

Are You In a Codependent Relationship?

Posted by James Browning on April 6, 2013
Posted in: Appropriate Behavior, Committed relationships, Dysfunctional relationships. Tagged: , , .

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If you’re in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive.  Some common traits of these relationships include:

  • You have to always let her know where you are
  • When you’re out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day
  • You are discouraged from keeping female friends
  • She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life
  • She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.)
  • She shows excessive jealousy
  • She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and instead insists that you both talk about them at length
  • She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you’ve done nothing wrong
  • She’s often critical of your behavior
  • You find yourself often “walking on eggshells” around her
  • Your friends tell you that you shouldn’t put up with her, but you feel the need to stay
  • You can’t speak your mind because you’re too afraid of how she’ll react
  • You’ve considered breaking up for a long time, but you don’t want to break her heart
  • You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you’ve tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them.  Relationships should add joy to one’s life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn’t be a constant burden.  Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner.  It’s like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern. By Michael S. Freeman http://ezinearticles.com/?Men,-Are-You-in-a-Codependent-Relationship-With-a-Needy,-Controlling,-Or-Emotionally-Volatile-Woman?&id=2220700

Love doesn’t just sit there like a stone;
it has to be made – like bread,
remade all the time, made new.
Ursula LeGuin

Are You A Possessive Man?

Posted by James Browning on April 4, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Appropriate Behavior, Dysfunctional relationships. Tagged: , , .

possessive guyThe main reason that men are possessive is because they don’t feel worthy of the relationship and are afraid of losing the woman in their life. It may start out simple and harmless enough, with him preferring to keep you with him all the time. He may start trying to control your time and get upset if you go out socially with friends. Instead of going out, you may end up staying at home together all the time and he may even start coming up with situations where he needs your help that are merely lies to keep you there with him. In many cases, jealous and possessive men go a step further. They go on to alienate you from your friends and may begin criticizing you and working to lower your self-esteem so you won’t leave him. Then he may tell you that you are so lucky to have him, since he loves no matter what. In this way he builds up dependence in you, and you are left dominated and isolated within the relationship. Men who are confident and happy with themselves will not have these problems with jealously and being possessive. While he will definitely want to spend time with you, he will also be happy that you are independent as well. Relationships should be about being your own person but sharing time together, and trust is important as well. http://maryelena.hubpages.com/hub/Dealing-with-Jealous-and-Possessive-Men

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

A Stupid Man

Posted by James Browning on April 3, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Appropriate Behavior, Dysfunctional relationships. Tagged: , , .

sad-man-black-white-photoA stupid man does not know who he is. He doesn’t know why he is the way he is, and he can’t figure out why he keeps committing the same mistakes over and over again all the while expecting different results. He runs from woman to woman thinking that he will find balm for his wounded spirit. He doesn’t know he’s an image, and he’s totally unaware how his thoughts, experiences and images have shaped what he is today. Most stupid men are codependent, and it shows in their behavior. Codependent behaviors… are those unhealthy behaviors we learned as children. Often, these behaviors are simply the tools we use to protect ourselves in our household environment, and they seem to help us cope with the disturbing experiences we suffered during childhood. But these unhealthy coping strategies are self-destructive. If they are not dealt with, they will ruin every relationship you have. One unhealthy characteristic of a codependent person is that they tend to find themselves attracted to needy people and needy people are attracted to them. Men, in their stupidity, seldom tackle their codependent issues. Why? Because they think they can fix everything, including themselves. As far as generalities go, men view women as weak, emotional, erratic, hormonal individuals in need of fixing. What they don’t understand is things are completely the opposite. Men are the ones terribly in need of fixing, but they will seldom reach out for help. By Larry Coleman http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Articles/Dating/How-to-Avoid-a-Stupid-Man-Look-for-Codependent-Behaviors.html

When you give another person
the power to define you,
then you also give them
the power to control you.
Leslie Vernick

Loss of Self

Posted by James Browning on March 31, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Appropriate Behavior, Committed relationships. Tagged: , , .

ID-10070272Codependency is a dysfunction that causes individuals to lose themselves in relationships. Codependents ignore their feelings, needs, and problems while obsessing on the feelings, needs, and problems of others. They possess an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others, and struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries. Thus, they experience relationships as stressful, and often suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt, and resentment. Codependency is born of growing up in a dysfunctional environment. Family dysfunction occurs when overwhelmed parents are unable to meet the needs of their children to a significant degree over a significant period of time. The parents’ problems may stem from addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, physical illness, poverty, overwhelming loss, or community disintegration such as gang violence or war. The key point is this: when parents become chronically overwhelmed by problems, the mental health of their children can be affected, sometimes resulting in codependency. When parents exhibit problems that bring chaos to a family, the children are forced to abandon being children and must enter survival mode. In survival mode, children can become hypervigilent – that is, they compulsively scan their environment to detect the next threat to their safety and well-being. These children quickly learn to ignore their feelings and needs because they perceive their caretakers as too overwhelmed to care about them. Or, worse, they have learned that they will be punished for expressing their feelings and needs. Thus, they reject introspection as a dangerous luxury that might interfere with being alert for the next external threat. Ultimately, these children learn to disconnect from their feelings. http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/codependency.htm

Believe in yourself!
Have faith in your abilities!
Without a humble but reasonable confidence
in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale

A Haywire System

Posted by James Browning on February 9, 2013
Posted in: Dysfunctional relationships, Emotions, Understanding. Tagged: , , .

Facing-redundancy-can-be--002Everyone laughs when I tell them that I wrote “Codependency for Dummies”. But codependency is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans — and not just women or loved ones of addicts, as many people believe. So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling. It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult. Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/problems-of-codependents/

We know perfectly well how to be spiritual.
It’s being human that we have trouble with.
Renee Bledsoe

Are You Codependent?

Posted by James Browning on February 8, 2013
Posted in: Addiction, Appropriate Behavior, Dysfunctional relationships. Tagged: , , .

330763-53427-2If drinking or drugs are an issue in your relationship, you may be codependent — or fast on your way to becoming one. If you’re not sure exactly where you stand, just ask yourself:
- Do you get defensive if family or friends suggest that your partner has a problem with drugs or drinking?
- Do you try to control his alcohol or drug consumption?
- Have you ever lied or made excuses to your partner’s employer about tardiness or absences?
- Do you cover up your partner’s chemical use so your children won’t know?
- Have you limited your social activities because of your partner’s drinking or drug use?
- Do you cover up when she is caught in a lie or embarrassing situation related to drugs or drinking?
- Have you ever offered your partner a “social drink” (or a toke or a hit) when he was on the wagon?
- Have you minimized the role chemical use plays in family arguments?
If you answered yes to two or more questions, you may have a problem. For your own sake (and your partner’s), contact Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, or another support group or treatment organization. Gayle Rosellini http://www.doitnow.org/pages/804.html

Codependents are reactionaries.
They overreact. They under-react.
But rarely do they act.
They react to the problems,
pains, lives, and behaviors of others.
They react to their own problems,
pains, and behaviors.
Melody Beattie

The Fable of the Two Codependents

Posted by James Browning on January 27, 2013
Posted in: Dysfunctional relationships, Pleasing others, Resentment. Tagged: , , .

aaTwo codependents were out walking one morning when they came to a shallow river. “I’m scared of getting wet.” said one. “If you really love me you will carry me across the river.” The first codependent naturally agreed to this but, as codependents do, added a condition to the agreement. “I am so scared of walking in the dark woods on the other side” said the first one. “If you love me, you will walk in front of me as we go through the woods to scare away the bad spirits. After all I am doing for you, carrying you over the river, that’s not much to ask.” The second codependent agreed to this condition, as codependents do, so they set off across the river. But before they could reach the other side, the first one started to make comparisons as codependents do: “This isn’t fair. All you have to do is walk ahead of me in the woods. Carrying you is much harder. You make me so angry!” The more anger she felt, the more exhausted she became from the strain of carrying her partner (as codependents do) until she couldn’t go any further. “I’m too tired.” she said “You’ll have to walk the last bit to the river bank yourself.” And with that, she let him down (gently but firmly) into the river. This hurt the second codependent very deeply because it meant she no longer felt any love for him. So, naturally, as codependents do he hid his sadness by getting angry, hoping this would bring the love back again. After complaining bitterly about getting wet he stormed off, forgetting about his half of the bargain. The first codependent was even more hurt by this because she now knew that there was no love between them any more. She walked sadly through the woods, feeling alone and lost and scared but naturally hiding this behind a mask of anger. However, she built up courage by working out what to say that would hurt her partner the most, when she got home. Unfortunately neither of them ever discovered that had they looked a little further along the river bank they would have seen a pretty little bridge where two lovers could hold hands and look at the view. Nor did they ever discover that the bridge led over the river to a path that went safely round the dark woods and on through a meadow full of green grass and flowers, just meant for lovers who wanted to stroll together, side by side, instead of taking turns to carry each other or walk in front of, or behind, one another (as codependents do).          http://www.growingaware.com.au/FABLECODEPND.HTM

Codependents
are reactionaries.
They overreact.
They under-react.
But rarely do they act.
Melody Beattie

Coming To Terms With Your Actual Feelings

Posted by James Browning on December 15, 2012
Posted in: Asking for help, Change, Recovery. Tagged: , , .

Man-in-Black-lost-15011575-760-400It takes time to overcome lifelong patterns of codependency, and the process often involves “two steps forward, and one step back.” But there are several specific steps you can take to break out of an ingrained codependent style. The first step is to face the problem honestly. Chances are, you have rationalized and justified and even spiritualized your codependent style. Now is the time to face it head-on. For someone who has spent a lifetime using denial to ward off pain, shame, or fear of rejection, this can be a terrifying experience. You will need support from people who can provide safe relationships that allow you to be emotionally honest on your journey. Support groups with other people on a similar road of recovery often provide more support for recovering from codependency than family and friends because members of these groups know what it is like to struggle with these issues. (http://coda.org/) One way to begin breaking through denial is to seriously consider the experiences that have contributed to your codependency. Most often this involves exploring significant aspects of your family history. Because codependents have learned to cope by disconnecting from their inner emotions, this exploration cannot be simply an intellectual exercise. It must involve a process of coming to terms with your actual feelings as a child. It also means being completely honest about your family of origin. Jason T. Li. Ph.D. http://lifecounsel.org/pub_li_overcomingCodependency.html

Stop trying to hold onto your past,
you can’t start the next chapter of your life
if you keep re-reading your last one.
Unknown

Some Never Do

Posted by James Browning on December 8, 2012
Posted in: Pleasing others, Self Image, Symptoms of codependence. Tagged: , , .

Leaders in the codependency movement have been unable to arrive at one mutually acceptable definition of codependency. Each person brings a slightly different understanding. They all would probably agree, however, that people with several of these patterns have a codependent lifestyle:
he-man-boy1. Excessive dependence on things or people outside oneself
2. Accepting responsibility for others’ feelings or actions
3. Constantly trying to please others
4. Letting others dominate or abuse you
5. Neglecting one’s own needs
6. Having difficulty knowing one’s own feelings and wishes
7. A weak sense of personal identity and loss of touch with one’s real self
8. Difficulty setting realistic personal boundaries
9. Difficulty admitting that you are in a dysfunctional relationship
10. Excessive efforts to control or change one’s environment or people in it
11. Frequently feeling resentful
12. Being very fearful of rejection, or being left alone
13. Relationship problems growing out of a weak sense of self, excessive dependency, and efforts to control, change, or please others.
Most of us struggle occasionally with our identity or with wanting to control others or with setting boundaries or trying to please. But codependents don’t just struggle with a couple of these occasionally. They consistently rely on a codependent style as their basic way of relating to themselves and others. Jason T. Li. Ph.D. http://lifecounsel.org/pub_li_overcomingCodependency.html

No one magically becomes an adult
the day they turn eighteen.
Some people grow up sooner,
many grow up later.
Some never really do.
Ashly Lorenzana