We have all been there… found ourselves disoriented by some form of emotion. Sometimes it is a wave of sadness that crashes over us that seems to come from nowhere, yet sweeps us up nonetheless. Sometimes it is a rumbling storm of frustration and irritation that shakes and stirs us into an internal frenzy. Sometimes it is a longing so desperate that it haunts us. Sometimes it is our inner voice calling out for us to listen to what it has to say. Yes…we can all relate to these myriad emotions, and most unfortunately, we can also all relate to doing our very best to ignore and stuff them. Why not? Stuffing seems easier, right? The problem with stuffing and ignoring our feelings is that this prevents us from ever truly understanding and processing them. If we don’t know where the sadness comes from, how can we know that the wave won’t come in day after day…and how do we know we are not projecting our pain onto the wrong source? If we don’t address and name the disquiet in our spirit, how can we be freed from it? If we don’t embrace our fears and face them, won’t we by hiding forever? If we can imagine ourselves as having an emotional “inbox” it is likely that the damn thing would be stacked up to our eyeballs. Yet, if we can start processing the stuff that gets dropped in there daily by life and keep the inbox light, we will be able to handle the big assignments that come our way. It is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to manage our own emotions… don’t let them cost you more than you can afford or are willing to pay. Erin Williams http://erinwilliamscoaching.typepad.com/erin_williams_coaching_bl/2012/03/process-your-emotions-instead-of-stuffing-them.html
The more you hide your feelings,
the more they show.
The more you deny your feelings,
the more they grow.
Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious). A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on – hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”. Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties. It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict. If some of this is sounding familiar don’t worry – we all do some of the above from time to time. It doesn’t make us passive aggressive necessarily nor does it mean your partner is. Passive aggression is when the behavior is more persistent and repeats periodically, where there are ongoing patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations. Andrea Harrn, http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
No one can make you jealous,
angry, vengeful, or greedy
unless you let him.
Ask yourself whether you are withholding your thoughts, opinions, or feelings because of your fear of your partner’s reaction. If so, this means that you cannot trust that your opinion will be valued in some way by your partner if you say what is true for you. Think about what that says about your relationship. Nor do we condone spewing out your feelings without some forethought or consideration about your delivery. Being aggressive or abusive with your feelings is just as unhealthy as walking on eggshells or tiptoeing around somebody. Being forthright and “adult” means expressing yourself directly, as in “I feel ______” or “When you do this particular thing, it makes me feel _____”. No one has the right to criticize you for the way you feel.
Excerpt #1 from “He Said, She said: Codependency vs. true love — how to tell them apart” By Hanalei Vierra, Ph.D. and M’Lissa Trent, Ph.D.
I believe all suffering
is caused by ignorance.
People inflict pain on others
in the selfish pursuit
of their happiness or satisfaction.
There was a time when I thought I had my first wife fooled and she did not suspect I wasn’t being faithful. Only years later after our divorce did I learn she knew all the time. She suppressed her thoughts and feelings and never expressed them to me. Suppressing an emotion is one of the most common responses to a difficult situation. One is aware of the unwanted emotion, but chooses to avoid or ignore how one is feeling. For instance, a wife who knows her husband is having an affair may feel hurt, but choose not to say anything about it because she feels she must maintain a stable home for her children. When the hurt overtakes her, she many ignore it by taking on activities to keep herself from thinking about it. Suppression, however, is only a temporary fix, until you deal with them, the feelings won’t go away. From “The Enabler: When Helping Harms The Ones You Love” by Angelyn Miller
Man is not what he thinks he is,
he is what he hides.