You or your spouse are more likely to have an affair than you are to divorce. And your chances of divorce are already 50-50. An affair is devastating to almost everyone involved. It’s one of the most painful experiences that the jilted spouse will ever be forced to endure, and it is also very painful for the children. Friends and members of the extended family are usually hurt as well. But what most people don’t realize is that the unfaithful spouse and the lover are also hurt by the experience. It almost always causes them to suffer acute depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all this sadness, why do so many people do it? Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That’s because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer. We are all wired for affairs. The only people who are exempt are those who are utterly incapable of meeting someone else’s emotional needs. If you can’t meet anyone’s needs, no one will ever fall in love with you. But if your spouse has anything to offer others, and you are not meeting an important emotional need, commitment to “forsake all others” can become words without meaning. From “Coping With Infidelity” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html
There are all kinds of ways
for a relationship to be tested,
even broken, some, irrevocably;
it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.
From “Not To Us” By Katherine Owen
By definition, sex addiction is a “problem in which one engages in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior despite increasing negative consequences to one’s self or others (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy). More often than not, the negative consequences the sexually addicted person suffers impact the people they love just as significantly. Often, spouses, children, and loved ones find themselves in the wreckage of the addict’s choices. I have heard it said that behind every great addict is a great co-dependent. And when it comes to sex addiction, often the “greatest” co-dependent is the addict’s spouse or significant other. Many spouses mistakenly believe that if the addict would just stop “acting out” in their addictive behavior, everything would be fine. Often, people in relationships with sex addicts are so focused on the addict and the addictive behavior; they aren’t able to see their part in it all. Am I saying that they person in relationship with a sex addict is somehow responsible for the addicts behavior? Not at all. As a matter of fact, I believe that incredible healing can happen once the co-dependent counterpart in addiction begins to allow the addict to take responsibility for their own lives and recovery and shifts the focus to their own healing and well-being. by Harmony Dust http://iamatreasure.com/2010/09/are-you-in-love-with-a-sex-addict/
You don’t develop courage
by being happy
in your relationships everyday.
You develop it
by surviving difficult times
and challenging adversity.
One of the dangerous aspects of codependency is the fact that codependents will often substitute physical love for actual love — in other words, accepting sex as a substitute for true feelings. This can lead to undesirable sexual circumstances, when the desire for sex overcomes a person’s “judgment”, and all of the harmful effects of promiscuous sex begin to appear: STDs, unplanned pregnancy, feelings of rejection, etc. These ‘symptoms’ of codependency can push the codependent even further into their mental instability. Besides impact on their own lives, codependent people can negatively affect those around them, attempting to ‘control’ various aspects of their friends and loved one’s lives. A common belief among most people unaware of their codependence is that “other people are incapable of taking care of themselves”. This is a simple case of projection, whereby the codependents feelings about themselves are reflected onto their opinion of other people, perhaps so that they feel more normal. This feeling, however, leads to some truly harmful behavior, such as bullying people into thinking the way a codependent thinks they “should” feel. A codependent may constantly offer advice, even when it is unwanted, or give money and gifts to friends to win their approval. The fact is that the codependent feels he or she has to be “needed” in order to have a healthy relationship with another person. Codependency is a serious issue, affecting the mental health and well-being of everyone around codependent people, not just the individual themselves. By Will Roby from http://www.askdeb.com/love/codependent/
There is no such thing as a good influence.
Because to influence a person is
to give him one’s own soul.
He does not think his natural thoughts,
or burn with his natural passions.
His virtues are not real to him.
His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed.
He becomes an echo of someone else’s music,
an actor of a part that has not been written for him.
The term “sexual addiction” describes an individual having an unusual fascination, or fixation, with sex. Constant daydreaming about sex takes over and controls the addict’s thinking, making it challenging to work or manage healthy personal relationships. Despite the possibility that their actions are risky or will eventually carry serious and/or harmful consequences, sex addicts often indulge in a variety of high-risk, acting-out behaviors. Strangely, sex addicts usually find only slight or limited satisfaction in their sexual activities, and they develop little or no real attachment to their sex partners. As a result, sex addicts often are bombarded by feelings of guilt, shame, and poor self-esteem. These feelings are accompanied by broken relationships, divided families, and problems at work. From www.themeadows.com
Go to this link below to take a quiz and find out if you are addicted to sex:
People spend a lifetime searching
for happiness; looking for peace.
They chase idle dreams, addictions,
religions, even other people, hoping
to fill the emptiness that plagues them.
The irony is the only place they ever
needed to search was within.
Ramona L. Anderson
This morning at my regular Saturday Codependents Anonymous meeting I talked about past suffering from the sexual compulsion, a somewhat less severe form of sexual addiction. Alcoholics drink, drug addicts drug, food addicts eat and sex addicts screw. That’s a callous word, but it accurately describes what I was guilty of: using sexual activity devoid of love and emotion as a way to stop feeling bad or depressed. As I look back it’s easy to see how hard I tried in all other aspects of my life to over achieve as a counter balance for my behavior. Somehow it seemed if I could be impeccably honest, successful, giving, righteous, helpful, spiritual and caring in all other aspects of my life it would make up for my compulsions regarding sex and the lies and deceit that came with that behavior. What did I learn? Nothing makes up for bad behavior! Absolutely NOTHING! Bad is bad. Wrong is Wrong.
It takes less time to do a thing right
than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow