Emotions

Narcissist: A Person Who Can Not Love – Part 3

Posted by James Browning on June 12, 2013
Posted in: Control, Denial, Emotions. Tagged: , , .

People-with-Low-Self-EsteemWhen you date a narcissist, they can be very charming and this is a trap. It’s really up to you to avoid this trap because the narcissist can’t help it. This is an incurable untreatable personality disorder. If you run across a spider who bites you, you can’t blame the spider. It’s your job to avoid the spider as best you can. It’s extremely difficult to avoid a charming narcissist because this is their one huge talent. In the beginning of a relationship, few people are as compelling as a narcissist. It will look as if all your dreams are coming true. Look beyond the charm. How many times has the narcissist been married? How many hearts has this person broken in the past? What are the reasons for the break ups? Question closely, and listen even more closely. In the end, only you can protect yourself from the trap a narcissist will lay. Just remember, once you enter a relationship with a narcissist, you will never get out unless that narcissist gets tired of you. Since you don’t really exist for the narcissist as a human being, it will be nothing for this person to drop you like a stone without looking back even once. No ties, no money, no children, no history, certainly no begging or crying will get this person back. This person will view you with nothing less than contempt and annoyance. You are less than nothing to a narcissist and in danger of becoming less than nothing to yourself. http://www.ehow.com/how_4818960_not-love-naricissitic-personality-disorder.html

So many times it seemed like
there were chances to stop things
before they started. Or even
stop them in midstream.
But it was even worse when
you knew in that very moment
that there was still time
to save yourself, and yet
you couldn’t even budge.
Sarah Dessen

Why Men Hide Their Feelings: REASON #3

Posted by James Browning on June 7, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Emotions, Feelings. Tagged: , , .

being-a-manTHEIR EMOTIONAL BONDS TAKE LONGER: Men tend to take much longer than women to get in touch with their emotions. That’s why a woman is often ready to go full-speed-ahead and he is stalling like mad! It isn’t that he’s stalling. He just really isn’t there yet. This can quickly become a problem! One of the worst things you can do is push things at this stage. A man has to come around to the idea on his own. He has to believe it was HIS idea to get emotionally involved with you. By pushing him for a commitment before he’s ready, he will go back to being scared. That’s not good for anybody. This is the time when patience REALLY is the key. If his emotions are not there yet, sit back and give him a bit more time. Don’t worry about the question of whether he is stalling to stay out of a relationship. If he is doing that, he will never move forward. You will recognize it! But if he is moving forward – just at a slower pace than you might like – he’s still in the game. That bond WILL form. Take a deep breath and be patient. It might happen sooner than you think! http://relationshipabode.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/why-men-hide-their-feelings/

 Life is to short to hide feelings.
So don’t be afraid to tell people
how you feel. You never know if
they have the same feelings.
Hussein Nishah

Why Men Hide Their Feelings: REASON #1

Posted by James Browning on June 5, 2013
Posted in: Communication, Emotions, Feelings. Tagged: , , .

300_1792979THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY FEEL: Think about falling in love. Really think about it for a minute. It is exhilarating. It can make you feel so alive! It can make you smile even in your sleep. But let’s be honest: falling in love is often scary, too. It’s scary because the emotions are so intense and so overwhelming that it’s hard to sort them all out. It can be so confusing to fall in love. If you don’t understand what you feel, your natural instinct is to hide from those feelings. If you see something you don’t like, your natural instinct is to shield your eyes. If you taste something you don’t like, your instinct is to spit it out! That’s a pretty graphic example, but you get the picture. When a man is afraid of his emotions, the first thing he does is trying to hide them away in a little closet far away from his heart. Getting over this reason to hide his feelings takes time. It takes some courage, too. But he can do it with plenty of reassurance from you. The more open you are, the more likely he will eventually talk about what he feels. And once he’s talking about it, he will understand it. http://relationshipabode.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/why-men-hide-their-feelings/

Feelings are not
supposed to be logical.
Dangerous is the man
who has rationalized
his emotions.
David Borenstein

Cherish the Presence

Posted by James Browning on May 29, 2013
Posted in: Emotions, Feelings, Romantic Love. Tagged: , , .

11762834-antique-rusty-key-and-a-red-heart-for-valentine-s-dayLove, and especially passionate love, should have a place in our life, but its nature and extent may vary in light of external circumstances. People should search for it at the beginning of a relationship; marrying out of compromise may lead to frustration or decrease the little passion that was there. Having affairs retains passionate love, but has the disadvantage of deception. As it turns out, most people cherish the presence of passionate love in their relationship. Indeed, most people are “romantic” in the sense that they say that they would not marry a person possessing all other qualities they admired, but with whom they were not in love. In the mid-1960s men were more “romantically” oriented in this sense than woman, but some twenty years later, women were found to have grown significantly more romantic and had closed the gap with men. This may be due to the fact that women have become less dependent on the institution of marriage for their economic survival and can “afford” to marry for purely romantic reasons. These changes indicate the lesser role of external circumstances in the decision to marry a person, and a greater role for the romantic argument. By Professor of Philosophy Aaron Ben-Zeév http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201105/i-married-because-external-circumstances

…lasting love is something
a person has to decide
to experience. It requires
what, for lack of a better term,
we can call an act of will…
Robert Wright

Differently than Women

Posted by James Browning on May 17, 2013
Posted in: Emotions, Feelings, Gender differences. Tagged: , , .

argument%203Men have emotions. Women need only adjust how they listen. Men express plenty of feelings; they just do it differently than women and there’s nothing wrong with that. You know how Eskimos supposedly have 4 dozen words for snow? It’s the same thing for women and feelings. They have over 4 dozen ways to describe happy, angry, sad… When a woman says, “men need to be more sensitive and in touch with their emotions,” I hear, “men need to be more like women.” Bad idea. If women want to be with men who can talk about their feelings and daily minutia just like their best girlfriend, then why don’t they just get together with their girlfriend? Men are more solution-focused while women are process-focused. There have been numerous studies (of questionable methodology) asserting that women use more words than men per day. Recent research finds such assertions are unfounded. Men and women actually use about the same number of words a day. It’s not a matter of women being more verbal; generally speaking, we’re equally verbal. Here’s the difference: women use words to process their feelings, often wallowing in emotions without reaching resolution. Men state their feelings and use words to achieve resolution. As a collective, women have told men that not talking about feelings as much as they do makes them inadequate. Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/14/men-have-emotions-women-dont-listen/

Love is misunderstood
to be an emotion; actually,
it is a state of awareness,
a way of being in the world,
a way of seeing oneself and others.
David R. Hawkins

Thou Shalt Not Feel

Posted by James Browning on May 16, 2013
Posted in: Emotions, Fear, Feelings. Tagged: , , .

House Minority Leader Boehner wipes tears as colleague Johnson speaks about his prisoner-of-war status in WashingtonOne of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is “Thou shall not feel”.This kind of mind-heart disconnect begins when boys are in the early years of elementary school. You’ll see kindergarten and first-grade boys bringing stuffed animals from home to comfort them amid their fear of the social demands of school. They’ll even hold hands and put their arms around other boys and girls to show affection and express joy. By second grade, male indoctrination begins. Boys are sissies if they show fear, pain or heaven forbid the most taboo expression of all: crying. For girls, that shift never really happens. Girls have the license to continue a full range of emotional expressions that is, except for one; anger. Girls get angry, of course, but it is taboo for them to express it. It is not feminine to get or express anger. This is a commandment that has caused women a world of grief into their adult lives. Ironically, anger is one of the few acceptable emotions sanctioned for boys and men to publicly express. Adapted from the book “Code Switching: How to Talk so Men will Listen” by Audrey Nelson, Ph.D. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201102/the-expressive-trap

It’s dreadful
what little things
lead people
to misunderstand
each other.
L.M. Montgomery

Difficulty Showing Affection

Posted by James Browning on May 5, 2013
Posted in: Emotions, Feelings, Rejection. Tagged: , , .

Avoiding+AffectionThere are many theories on why people have trouble showing affection, and also cultural studies on how different groups show affection. Some theories suggest that such gestures of affection are often determined by our degree of nurturance as children.. In families or cultures where affection is common, people will more commonly show affection. Others also suggest a gender difference, especially in many Western cultures, between showing affection to boys and girls. Girls may receive more affection than boys, especially when they are emotionally distressed. Boys, alternately, may be told when they seek affection, such as when they are injured, to toughen up. Even though we think we’ve shed these gender differences, evidence to the contrary is available in a variety of studies; we are still harder on boys. This can matter a lot when boys and girls grow up, because girls will expect a higher degree of affection than boys, who have been nurtured to give less. Women will claim their husbands have trouble showing affection, and men may actually complain that their wives show too much. There are other reasons why people may have difficulty showing affection. People who have experienced sexual or physical abuse may find it very difficult to receive or give affection, even very simple things like a caress or hug. For these folks, touching itself has become a violation of self, and they don’t want to receive touching, or give it and possibly be considered as abusers too. More simply, some children are just less acclimatized to affection than others. Parents can love their children but have trouble showing affection to each other or to children. http://www.wisegeek.org/why-do-some-people-have-trouble-showing-affection.htm

Do not be afraid of showing your affection.
Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate.
Men are more helped by sympathy, than by service;
love is more than money, and a kind word
will give more pleasure than a present.
John Lubbock

Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs

Posted by James Browning on March 24, 2013
Posted in: Emotions, Feelings, Seeing Myself Clearly. Tagged: , , .

feelings1Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, “I feel that…” the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling. Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.). Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, “I am angry” means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a “little irritated”. When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when he first hears “I am angry with you”, and he could miss the message. by Larry Nadig,Ph.D. http://www.drnadig.com/feelings.htm

But smiles and tears
are so alike with me,
they are neither of them
confined to any particular feelings:
I often cry when I am happy,
and smile when I am sad
Anne Brontë

Steps to Mend a Broken Heart – Part II

Posted by James Browning on March 7, 2013
Posted in: Appropriate Behavior, Emotions, Romantic Love. Tagged: , , .

mending a heart2. Deal appropriately with negative thoughts. Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind and help deal with the tendency to beat yourself up for things going wrong, says Piver, a practicing Buddhist. Another approach when negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind is to get up and do something else. “Take a walk or call someone who’s having difficulty and try to think of them instead of yourself,” says Piver. You can also try examining your thoughts from a distance. “Let them just rush in, like a stream rushing by,” Piver recommends. “Feel your feelings without telling yourself a story about them.” When Piver was at the lowest point of her heartbreak, she took her sadness to mean that she’d never feel happy again, had no chance of meeting anyone, and even if she did meet someone, she’d probably wind up being a total jerk and woman-hater. These thoughts just plunged her deeper into prolonged sadness. Simply acknowledging to yourself what you’re feeling (hopelessness, despair, fear) without drawing any conclusions from those feelings, she says, will allow your mind to process the grief more quickly and return to a more balanced state.

3. Turn up the radio. Science suggests that music has a therapeutic effect. (No, not that breakup album with the sad, lovesick songs.) Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes: Listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, lifting your spirits and combating stress.

4. Know the difference between grief and depression. There is often a fine line between the two, and normal heartbreak can sometimes transform into full-blown depression. How to tell the difference? In depression, nothing seems to matter, Piver writes, whereas with sadness, everything does. A telltale sign that depression is setting in is that you ruminate nonstop about the breakup, and ” you cannot stop your mind from tormenting you with very painful thoughts,” Piver says. By Deborah Kotz, Angela Haupt http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/03/22/8-steps-to-mend-a-broken-heart

Sorrow is the mere
rust of the soul.
Activity will cleanse
and brighten it.
Samuel Johnson

A Haywire System

Posted by James Browning on February 9, 2013
Posted in: Dysfunctional relationships, Emotions, Understanding. Tagged: , , .

Facing-redundancy-can-be--002Everyone laughs when I tell them that I wrote “Codependency for Dummies”. But codependency is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans — and not just women or loved ones of addicts, as many people believe. So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling. It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult. Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/problems-of-codependents/

We know perfectly well how to be spiritual.
It’s being human that we have trouble with.
Renee Bledsoe