Chances are, you know one. They do everything together; they share common ideals. They’re the couple that says that they rarely argue. When a disagreement comes up, they talk it out and they come to a compromise. And they live happily ever after. And you think, “If only I found my perfect match, I wouldn’t have marital problems.” While I’ll readily admit there are bad matches, good matches, better matches and best matches in marriage, many smooth-sailing marriages usually have one thing that makes them oh, so easy: a compliant spouse. A compliant spouse—husband or wife—is content to let the other spouse lead the way and make the decisions. He or she isn’t necessarily a doormat, but he usually wants to keep the peace more than have his way. Often times, he’ll suggest ideas but if his spouse shoots them down, he’ll just shrug his shoulders and go with the flow. There isn’t much true “compromise” going on: He just gives in. He takes direction well, and completes his honey-to list when asked. Leaving decisions to his mate allows him freedom to pursue other interests while relieving him of weightier responsibilities, too. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women swoon over someone’s compliant spouse. And I guess I have to admit, I have done it, too. When your own husband has an irksome bull-headed streak, a complaint spouse sounds terrific. But do you really want a compliant spouse? Compliance is boring. It’s nice when a spouse brings his own ideas into the mix. It’s exciting to hear, “I have a better idea.” Now and then, a little giving in—for you—is good for the soul. It takes humility and love to be able to back down and let the other person get what he wants, even when it isn’t what you want at all. If you’re used to getting your way, be sure you aren’t turning into a total dictator or a spoiled brat—unless he likes it that way. These are the spouses that suddenly up and leave after long years of marriage, to everyone’s shock and surprise. They were quietly compliant but not happily so. If you have a compliant spouse, be sure to address his or her desires. Solicit his or her opinions and take them. If you keep dismissing his ideas, choices and opinions, for whatever reason however logical, he will stop offering them. Appreciate that your marital road is smoother than most, but give credit to the one who paves that way. From an article by Lori Phillips http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art5801.asp
Give me that man
that is not
and I will wear
him in my heart’s core.
Ask any couple what the deal breaker is in their relationship, and a vast majority will tell you that a cheating spouse is right at the top of the list. It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity… A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self-esteem, low self-worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever. All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship. But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change. Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’. They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough. Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behavior:
* Insecurity about personal looks and attributes
* Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been
* Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts
* Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else
* Seeking constant reassurance
* Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence
All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters. Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening. From an article by Rachael Lay http://www.rachaellay.com/why-worrying-about-cheating-is-pointless/
It takes two people to create
a successful relationship.
It only takes one person
to make it fail.
From “Truth About Deception”
When men and women speak, the human brain processes the sounds of those voices differently, Britain’s Mirror and Agence France Presse report of a new study from the U.K.’s University of Sheffield. While most of us actually hear female voices more clearly, men’s brains hear women’s voices first as music. But it’s not music. It’s someone giving them a honey-do list. So the brain goes into overdrive trying to analyze what is being said. Bottom line: Men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. Men’s brains are not designed to listen to women’s voices. It’s not the pitch of the woman’s voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem, notes Discovery News. But guys have no trouble at all hearing each other because men use a much simpler brain mechanism at the back of the brain to decipher another man’s voice and recognize it as speech. “The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural ‘melody’ in their voices. This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice,” lead researcher Michael Hunter told The Mirror. “When men hear a male voice they process it in the ‘mind’s eye.’ This is the part of the brain where people compare their experiences to themselves, so the man is comparing his own voice to the new voice.” Here’s a really bizarre side effect: These findings help explain why people who suffer hallucinations usually hear male voices. It’s just too hard for the brain to create a false feminine voice as accurately as it can create a false masculine voice. The research findings were published in the journal NeuroImage. http://webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/men/package.jsp?name=fte/womenspeak/womenspeak
Most people do not listen
with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.
Stephen R. Covey
Some people see the relationship as a Dictatorship, that they will rule, and what they say goes. You could think like this, but you will be ruling over a very, very small Kingdom. A relationship is about two people coming together as equals, and facing the world as two humans as one. Your relationship will not go far if you do not look at each other in equal-eyes, and facing your problems together, as a team. When you join together with someone, you are helpmates; you are two people that will be supportive to each other. Some people come into a relationship not expecting there to be any problems. So when one pops up, they freak out and bail on the relationship without any second thoughts. Though you might be lucky, and never have any problems with your love life, most relationships have there bumps – maybe not huge – but still some roughage. You must realize that this does not mean that your relationship is doomed or that it’s a “sign” to drop him or her. You have to work on the problems, COMMUNICATE with your partner. Talk to them, but also LISTEN!!! Some people foolishly bet on physical attraction, which doesn’t last or simply looses its flavor like chewing gum… If you do this you will be in danger of not finding that person that is genuinely right for you – because, more than likely, this person that you choose solely on “prettiness” will be just as superficial as you are – or more. So, not only will you have a short and unproductive relationship, you are bound to get hurt in the process. And forget about communication, because if you choose this path for finding your partner, you are completely ignoring the communication aspect. Well, outside the bedroom at least. And let’s face it; a good lay will only last so long before it “looses its flavor like chewing gum. Though your relationship may last for a while, if your vision or outlook on life is different, than the two of you will drift apart. By Prior Aphter http://voices.yahoo.com/why-relationships-fail-due-lack-communication-10023.html?cat=41
Anger, loathing, spite, nasty looks,
suspicion, jealously and hate stem
from lack of communication with
the person the feelings are directed.
Eye to eye, face to face
calm conversations are a start .
Empathy is the way to a
peaceful heart, soul and mind.
J K Hobgood
We are all consumed with our feelings; we focus on what is wrong with THEM. We are hearing what we are saying, and not what they are saying. Thus, we are solving the problem with you, instead of joining with the other person and solving it TOGETHER. I mean, you are dating another person aren’t you? So why don’t you involve them in your conversations? “Well, they won’t listen to what I have to say.” Could this be because you say the same thing far too much? From personal experience, you will never go far in your relationships if you are “nagging” your partner to death. Another reason that they aren’t listening to anything you say, is because what you are saying frankly isn’t important. If you are one of those people who point out every “defect” in a human, then most likely they tuned you out a long time ago. You must first take a look at yourself and realize that you are not Miss./Mr. Perfect. You have problems, you have issues, just like everyone else does. Your relationships will go far if you’ll stop bringing attention to the minor things that really don’t make that big of a difference. On the other side, if your partner is not listening to you, than there could be something seriously wrong there. Ultimately, the lack of attention narrows down to a lack of respect. You must have respect for the person that you are in a relationship with, and they must have respect for you. If no respect is involved, than you will both be looking at each other as if each of you is less than the other. Respect is something that is so important in every aspect of life. A lack of respect equals a lack of communication, which in turn equals the beginning of the end of your relationship. You must give in order to receive. In order to obtain respect from someone, you must show them that you are respect worthy. You can’t just sit there and expect them to automatically respect you. You must show them. How? Prove to them that you are a loyal and honest individual. Be yourself, don’t lie, and treat them as you would like to be treated. If that doesn’t gain their respect, than something is seriously wrong with them. By Prior Aphter http://voices.yahoo.com/why-relationships-fail-due-lack-communication-10023.html?cat=41
When men and women
are able to respect
and accept their
love has a chance
True communication spans far beyond spoken words. It’s verbal and mental, as well as even physical. More than half of the failed relationships out there, including your own, are due to the fact that there was a severe lack of communication between the two of you. In order to have a long and lasting relationship with someone, you must have excellent communication skills. You must be able to convey your emotions and your thoughts, as well as being able to absorb your partner’s emotions and thoughts. Communication is definitely not a one-way street. The “phone-lines” must run both ways. You could sit your partner down and talk to him/her all day long about how you feel, and about where you think this relationship is going. But if you don’t LISTEN TO THEM, than all of your words are meaningless. Mainly because they know you aren’t willing to listen to them, and you will not hear them out because you are too involved with yourself to allow anyone else to join in on the conversation. The art of listening is probably even more important than the art of talking. You will learn and grow far more in your relationships if you would sit down and listen to your partner, instead of talking and voicing all of your opinions at once. Don’t get me wrong; it is very important that you do voice your opinions. But you must listen to THEIR opinions as well, and take them into consideration. If you feel that you are not hearing from your partner, or they aren’t “communicating” with you then more than likely they are, but you just aren’t listening correctly. Some people don’t communicate with words, they communicate through actions. Which, if you pay close enough attention, are far more incisive into what they want to say. But the problem is, most of us don’t pay close enough attention. By Prior Aphter http://voices.yahoo.com/why-relationships-fail-due-lack-communication-10023.html?cat=41
The most important thing
is hearing what isn’t said.
One of the most important things to remember is that your partner is with you for a reason and not with his or her ex. The past is the past. It can’t be undone. The future is what matters. Be honest and open with your partner and usually everything will be fine in the relationship. Don’t compare your partner to your ex. Don’t talk about your ex very much. It makes you sound like you are still in love with them. Don’t call your ex unless it is business related. Don’t call your partners ex to ask questions about your partner or to start trouble. Don’t listen to his or her voice mail on the cell phone. It will only get make matters worse. Let your partner have privacy unless you suspect something weird is going on. Don’t go through your partners stuff unless you ask him or her first. Remember Please Don’t go through their stuff just to be snoopy because that indicates that you don’t trust him or her or just being paranoid. From an Yahoo article by Shelly K. http://voices.yahoo.com/dont-let-ex-threaten-current-relationship-13874.html?cat=41
Such is the inconsistency of real love,
that it is always awake to suspicion,
always requiring new assurances
from the object of its interest.
Codependency is a term that originated in work with addicts. It has become a cultural phenomena, way beyond relationships with addicts. Daughters are codependent with mentally ill mothers, sons with fathers who won’t let go and insist on adherence to their own value systems. Codependency is about mushy relationships to keep the scary world of anxiety at bay. Sadly enough, the ultimate outcome of codependency is the damage done by a lack of respect in these relationships. Codependency is about being unhappily enmeshed with someone else’s agenda. Codependency means that you have a lack of imagination for yourself and your are too focused on others. One example would be the wife who is a martyr to an alcoholic husband. He numbs his anxiety/dread with the obliviousness of drinking and she is in hyper drive by controlling all the details of living that he ignores. So she becomes entitled and self-righteous with all her vigilance. It’s important to recognize that interrupting codependent behavior requires that you define yourself and your wants. So many people scramble to fill the empty hole within, by focusing on the care-taking of others while ignoring themselves. So where does someone begin, to build their own identity? Fill the emptiness with more and more layers of authenticity. Risk disagreement which makes things more interesting. Practice the truth with your therapist or your best friend. Stop swallowing your real opinions, choose when to go along, instead of always being a pushover. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W. http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm
is a 200 lb. shield.
Making small sacrifices for your partner when you don’t feel like it could be damaging your relationship, according to social scientists from the University of Arizona. Men and women offering to take on a chore normally done by the other may make them seem like the perfect partner. Yet when these sacrifices are done by a partner who is feeling stressed, it can make the stress worse, the study found. Doing chores to help out a partner may seem like the right thing to do, but if you’re in a bad mood, these sacrifices can do your relationship more harm than good, claim researchers from the University of Arizona. This in turn can lead to an increase in arguments and partners feeling taken for granted. Research scientist Casey Totenhagen and her team at the university carried out daily surveys among 154 married and unmarried couples. The length of relationship ranged from from six months to 44 years. The couples recorded all their activities from time spent with friends, to child care and chores. They were then asked to record which activities they considered to be ‘sacrifices’. Sacrifices included those they had done that were usually done by their partner. Alongside this, everyone filled in details of how well their day had been, the hassles they had experienced and how it had affected their mood. And finally, a section was reserved for them to rank their feelings towards their partners on a daily basis, including how close, committed and satisfied they felt about the relationship. The kind of sacrifices made were small and not significant in terms of how it could change a relationship but generally carried out to show ‘niceness’, said the researchers. Carrying out such good deeds while in a good mood made the person doing it feel more committed to their relationship. However, it appears to have little effect on the other partner who, in general, felt no different about the relationship after the nice act than they did before. The key to a long and happy relationship is sharing chores, instead of making sacrifices and doing your partner’s chores for them, claims research from the University of Arizona. From A Daily Mail article by Victoria Woollaston http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2317712/Being-MORE-selfish-key-successful-relationship-claims-research.html#ixzz2ezLEFZDV
Almost every sinful action ever committed
can be traced back to a selfish motive.
It is a trait we hate in other people
but justify in ourselves.
“Codependent” is a word that comes up frequently… Being dependent in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s a component of healthy relationships. Some people fear dependency, interpreting it as a sign of weakness or helplessness, or out of a fear of intimacy. In healthy relationships, this is not the case. It is altogether possible to be an autonomous person and yet be able to be dependent on another. If you exhibit healthy dependency you are willing to admit the need for others in your life, and to let them need you. After all, we all start out life as completely dependent on our caretakers. If we grew up in a family that encouraged a sense of autonomy and independent growth, with parents who praised our achievements and showed us love, we will reach adulthood with a sense of security about ourselves and our internal worth and our ability to move through the world as successful people, in whatever way we define that for ourselves. Setting emotional boundaries, giving someone space (and taking it for ourselves) is acceptable. We can allow people to be who they are, not who we want them to be. We understand that we can’t change other people, and balance feelings of closeness with feelings of separateness. Yet we also know how to care for others and let them care for us – we’re able to ask for help when we need it. In other words, it’s ok to need and be needed, because we know and feel good about who we are independently of another person if that person happens not to be around. We are able to form healthily interdependent relationships without losing our sense of self. Sometimes things don’t go the way described above, and what’s experienced growing up is criticism, rejection, conditional love (often based on achievement that validates the parents’, not the child’s, sense of self-worth), over-dependence promoted as valuable, making it impossible to feel adequate without another person around to shore up self-worth. In this scenario you are unable to take responsibility for your own sense of adequacy. You expect your good feelings about yourself to be validated from outside yourself – usually from another person. You feel weak and vulnerable. You depend on someone else to feel secure, comforted, nurtured, supported, lovable, or worthy. You can’t make a decision without the approval of the other person. Your relationships tend to be enmeshed rather than engaged, and the other person in your relationship probably complains about feeling suffocated. More than likely you’ve been called “clingy.” Since it’s hard to set your own agenda, you’re often at a loss, looking to the other person to fill in what’s missing for you. From an on-line article by Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99
If you need encouragement,
praise, pats on the back
then you make
everybody your judge.