People want control. We’re all desperate for it. What we wouldn’t give to have more of it in our relationships, work, and lives. Not that we come right out and say so. Instead, we hedge a bit, asking coaches, therapists, and friends how to better manage our careers and other people. How we can change this or that aspect of ourselves or our circumstances — how we might better deal with specific situations and relationships. Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with wanting growth and development. Yet that’s not what most of us are really after. Subtle as we try to be, the proof is in the pudding of our thoughts, feelings, and actions; in spite of all our questioning and questing, many of us feel pretty stuck. No matter the energy we exert, we remain in a standstill. Why is this? Why do we as a culture persist in attempting to control our way to personal, creative, and professional freedom? The answer, I’ve found, is pretty interesting. And that is that most of us don’t actually want freedom. Before you disagree, take a look at your own life. Look at the areas in which you wish you had a greater level of freedom, peace, and aliveness. If you’ve yet to achieve these things, I’d gamble that what you’re really after is control. Or said another way, freedom your way. Taken from “Giving Up Control” by Jennifer Hamady (Huffington Post) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-hamady/acceptance_b_2432159.html
It makes no sense to worry about things
you have no control over because
there’s nothing you can do about them,
and why worry about things you do control?
The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.
“Like everything in life, any time you take anything to an extreme—either you say “yes” to everything or “no” to everything—you’re going to be in a position that’s often untenable and often unhealthy,” says Dr. Nancy Elder, an assistant professor at the University of Cincinnati’s College of Medicine. We can get stressed out by nearly everything on the planet: money, women, money, personal problems, money, etc. The largest, however, may be the actual drive to become successful. A work hard and ye shall be rewarded kind of thing. It’s tough to work hard when you have extraneous obligations getting in the way of your main goal, though. “The most important thing that people who [say yes or no] well is to temporize,” Elder says. “It’s important to acknowledge the request. ‘Yes I hear you asking this. Yes I hear you asking to put this on my plate,’ then saying, ‘Give me twenty-four hours to think about this.’” There’s an old Zen saying that goes like this: “If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” Keeping focus is one of the hardest things to do, but it’s a necessity to get where you want to be, and the ability to say “no” when you need to is an overlooked, under-appreciated tool able to help us get to that place. What it comes down to—well, what everything seems to come down to—is attaining balance. It’s about being ever-conscious about your decisions and never letting your ideal endgame get out of sight…and keeping the path up there as straight as possible. By Gin A. Ando http://www.primermagazine.com/2012/live/the-importance-of-learning-to-say-no-the-power-of-learning-to-say-yes
Learn to say ‘no’ to the good
so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.
John C. Maxwell
He is broken in three ways, sometimes four. I count them.
* He believes himself to be human, but is not actually. At least not anymore. This is similar to the way he believes himself to be alive.
* He has a grim affinity for drugs. This comes with no caveat and no parentheses. This is just a fact of life.
* He is doggedly unhappy and once decided to kill himself. Sadly, he has not really stopped.
* On certain occasions when these first three things have ceased to be bad enough, he loves me. The other sins are commonplace, forgivable under a big enough umbrella. This fourth is irrevocable. Unconscionable. In a word, it is utterly damning. Brenna Yavanoff
An intelligent person can rationalize anything,
a wise person doesn’t try.
One obstacle to living authentically… is people having soft personal boundaries. Boundaries are limits we consciously or unconsciously put in place to take good care of ourselves. By using the term “soft-boundaries”, I refer to people feeling that they do not have a choice. When we feel we are without choice we find ourselves doing things we don’t want to or things we think we should or must do. Soft-boundaries occur when we act one way, but feel a completely different way and do it because we feel we “have to”. It can be as simple as saying you will call someone when you don’t want to, or hosting a big event because you feel it is the “right” thing to do. If you hear yourself say, “I have no choice,” that is also an indication of a loose boundary. Remember – we always have choice. Kim Illig http://www.kimillig.com/documents/Learning-to-Set-Your-Personal-Boundaries.htm
“No” is a complete sentence.
Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps you off-center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say, ‘Okay, now, stay.’ But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job you decide how. That’s how character is developed. From “Hollie’s Quotes”
Character is, for the most part,
simply habit become fixed.
C. H. Parkhurst
Codependence kills! Everyone knows there are diseases that kill rapidly, but it is a surprise to many that a dis-ease like codependency is a killer. It snuffs out relationships. It destroys careers. It emotionally lacerates lives. Then there are the “addictions”: alcohol, drugs, sex, food, money, gambling, smoking and more that kill more slowly, but just as surely as a fast acting poison. Each comes from an attempt to mask the hurt and feel better, yet all that is accomplished is to trade one type of pain for another. As long as an addiction is active, most can never see the root of their problem and why they work so hard to medicate and hide it away. Frequently, if not almost always, codependency is at the root of an addict’s addiction. Until it is treated successfully and recovery is underway, old behaviors will usually come back again and again until codependence shows itself as the killer it is.
If you were to meet me on the street
and I’d smile and introduce myself
could you tell the scars I hide underneath theses clothes?
would you see thru my eyes?
that I’m killing myself slowly inside
or could you only tell that they are blue.
From “Killing Myself Slowly” by “silenttears09”
Found at allpoetry.com
There are many things dreamed of, places I want to go, experiences imagined and memories I hope to make. I hesitate making them come true while saying to myself “someday” or “not yet” or even “that’s a stupid thing to want”. Then the voice of my being says “It’s your life and should be lived as you dream and hope”. Yet I stop short, somehow believing I can’t, don’t deserve it or simply find courage lacking to be true to myself. After all, who am I to want the life I want? Codependency can rob one of the confidence needed to live life parallel to their needs and desires. Instead time is used mostly living for and through others. For family and those we love, sacrifice is necessary for the balance necessary for a working relationship. But denying ALL my greatest hopes and dreams is beyond what is healthy for me and is nothing to be admired. After a point, I do best for others when I am first loyal to my own aspirations and greatest wishes.
On the plains of hesitation
Bleach the bones of countless millions
Who at the dawn of victory stopped to wait,
And waiting, died.