Anger

Drowning In Whirlpools of Confusion

Posted by James Browning on May 3, 2013
Posted in: Anger, Committed relationships, Seeing clearly. Tagged: , , .

konflik-rumah-tanggaEvery couple argues, and every argument affects their intimacy as well as the emotional distance between them. Some disagreements leave only minimal or temporary scars that fade with time. The couple’s love continues to deepen, seemingly undamaged. Unfortunately, escalating or stinging arguments can leave deep and lasting fissures that damage relationships. Many areas of conflict can determine the fate of a relationship, but the most crucial one is each partner’s underlying attitude is towards the other. Whether unconscious or intended, that core set of thoughts is often deeply embedded, pervasive, and negatively biased. As the argument heats up, one or both of the partners will fall back into this default position, dooming any hope of successful resolution. The longer people have been together, the more they are likely to repeat established patterns. These ritualistic interactions usually emerge slowly in intimate relationship but can explode early on if any differences are pronounced and passionate. Because they are often intertwined with positive aspects, they can often stay invisible too long, causing much greater problems down the line. When these internal, fixed attitudes are not identified and corrected, the partners in an intimate relationship do not realize how much power they have to affect their disputes. They do know that most of their arguments leave them drowning in whirlpools of confusion, often not remembering what they were arguing about, or why their resolutions didn’t hold. Taken from “Rediscovering Love” by Randi Gunther, Ph.D http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201208/do-you-want-stay-in-love-then-examine-your-default-position-when-you-

Why do people always assume
that volume will succeed
when logic won’t?
L.J. Smith

Anger Turned Inward

Posted by James Browning on January 2, 2013
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Anger, Depression. Tagged: , , .

Angry-man-001Psychoanalysts have long believed that anger towards others gets turned against ourselves. Our anger converted into self-hatred causes depression. Karen Horney wrote that the basic problem starts with neurotic parents who are inconsistent (both over-indulgent and demanding), lacking in warmth, inconsiderate or openly hostile, or driven by their own needs. The child resents these things. But parents are powerful and a child’s only means of survival. So, because of fear or love or guilt, the child represses the anger. The child, being small, alone, confused, and helpless in an unpredictable, hostile world, is, of course, scared. The child, aware of his or her weakness, the criticism of others, and his or her own hostility and fears, develops a “despised” self-concept… “I am unlovable, a bad person.” In extreme cases, some people become so self-effacing, i.e. compliant, unselfish, and modest; they almost do away with their “self.” Suffering, helplessness, and martyrdom are their ideals. They need to be loved, liked, approved, important, but taken care of. Their “solution” is: “If you love me, you will not hurt me.” But beneath this saintly, goody-goody surface sometimes boils the old anger, rage, and strong urges to be aggressive and mean. Often they have also become bitter because the unwritten agreement was broken, namely, “I’ll be nice and not hate you, if you will love, respect, and care for me always.” People striving for sainthood often suffer because others will not always put them first. http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_44.html

Anger is an acid
that can do more harm
to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain

Grow Beyond What You Are

Posted by James Browning on November 21, 2012
Posted in: Anger, Appropriate Behavior, Symptoms of codependence. Tagged: , , .

Strong feelings are almost always the excuse used by those who behave inappropriately. The abusive mother who strikes her son across the face can always excuse herself, saying “I was angry”. Actually, she was angry at her husband, but she lacks the courage to confront him so she hits her son instead. It may be true that her anger was the source of the blow, but feeling angry and striking a child are not the same thing. The response is arbitrary. Feelings cannot be changed by force of will. How we respond to feelings, however, can be changed by force of will. Any response is learned. With time, effort, and practice we can unlearn negative responses. A father who is upset from a bad day at the office may cool his anger by jogging around the block. Enablers can avoid sabotaging themselves and their families by acknowledging feelings and accurately identifying their source. They are then free to decide on an appropriate response, rather than giving way to an automatic response which may be misplaced and destructive. From “The Enabler: When Helping Harms The Ones You Love” by Angelyn Miller

Anger makes you smaller,
while forgiveness forces you
to grow beyond what you are.
Cherie Carter-Scott

Anger is an Acid

Posted by James Browning on November 20, 2012
Posted in: Anger, Boundaries, Controlling Others. Tagged: , , .

Displacement means responding to the wrong person or object. If it is too dangerous or uncomfortable to respond directly to the source of feeling, the response can be aimed at someone or something else. Getting rid of anger in an unrelated context, at an innocent recipient, is so common that the husband, angry with his boss, who comes home and kicks the dog is a cliché. Most abused wives and children are the victims of a husband or father’s displaced anger. Researchers have found that an abuser is likely to have been the victim of the displaced anger of his father. He learned hot to deal with anger by watching his father vent his feelings on the weak and innocent members of the family. From “The Enabler: When Helping Harms The Ones You Love” by Angelyn Miller

Anger is an acid
that can do more harm
to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain

Out of Control

Posted by James Browning on September 27, 2012
Posted in: Accurate self-view, Anger, Appropriate Behavior. Tagged: , , .

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that behind anger is another root emotion, such as pain, humiliation or fear. Thus, before something triggers a loss of control due to anger, you are already setting the stage for that loss of control by letting yourself feel all those other negative, primary emotions. Except in the case of people with certain kinds of psychiatric problems, loss of control is usually triggered by a specific event. When you’ve finally had enough, your blood pressure and heart rate rise and your body releases fight-or-flight hormones. This is when you’ve actually lost all control. You may scream, insult and even hit. People who lose control often do and say things that they later regret, but they can’t help themselves from doing and saying those things at this stage because they are not thinking clearly. That lack of clarity is a result of the loss of control. From “Three Stages of Being Out of Control” by eHow.com contributor Cynthia Gomez

Anger is fear
turned inside out.
Unknown

Difficult to Feel Safe Anywhere

Posted by James Browning on July 18, 2012
Posted in: Anger, Appropriate Behavior, Childhood. Tagged: , , .

Codependence is often accompanied by P.T.S.D. (post-traumatic stress disorder) that pops up long after experiencing traumatic events. It’s not just war and acts of terrorism that can be a trigger. Emotional, physical or sexual abuse can also set off symptoms that can include trouble sleeping or concentrating, excessive irritability and misplaced anger. Some call codependence “a war with our self”. Recovery involves stopping the war within so we can start to love and trust ourselves. For many suffering from codependence the battlefield we grew up in, was not in some foreign country against some identified “enemy” – it was in the “homes” which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we loved and trusted to take care of us. Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional maiming, mental torture and physical violation. Not feeling safe as a child can make it difficult to feel safe anywhere.
Quote from: http://joy2meu.com/Codependency.htm

Anger is only fear turned inside out.
Unknown

When His Wife Sneezes…

Posted by James Browning on July 16, 2012
Posted in: Anger, Appropriate Behavior, Change. Tagged: , , .

The joke goes something like, “When his wife sneezes, the codependent man says excuse me”. In similar fashion I find myself feeling apologetic when I don’t understand what someone says.  Mishearing someone’s words does not call for “I’m sorry”.  All that’s necessary is saying “could you repeat that?” Frequently as children codependents were shamed and made to feel bad even thought they had done nothing wrong.  As a child having to apologize for reasons not understood contributes to an over developed sense of shame and a feeling of not being good enough. John Bradshaw wrote, “Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good.” 

Change is hard because people overestimate
the value of what they have
and underestimate the value
of what they may gain by giving that up.
James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

Questioning One’s Behavior

Posted by James Browning on April 24, 2012
Posted in: Anger, Mistakes, Self Esteem. Tagged: , , .

In the past I used anger as a way of pushing people away. Anyone I focused my angst on rarely knew what hit them. I never physically abused anyone, I just bellowed.  To control people and keep them from getting too close I “scared them off” intentionally. Today I know my behavior came primarily from stuffed feelings about unresolved childhood issues I had buried deeply, but was still upset about.  Once I was able to get a clear view of my behavior, working past it became doable. Questioning one’s behavior is often where getting better begins.

Anger is fear turned inside out.
Anonymous