Codependents don’t necessarily know what they are feeling at any given time as they go on who is around them and what they are feeling. They can be obsessive and terribly anxious about others problems and worry about the silliest of things. There is an amount of denial with codependents that “things aren’t quite as bad as they appear” or “they exaggerate and are worse than you’d think”. Codependents many times will overeat, overwork, spend money excessively, lie to themselves and others about the smallest of things. Codependents don’t trust other people. They think others have abandoned them and why should they extend trust to others who do such a thing. They also have distorted thinking and are either on one end of a spectrum or other. No middle ground and no balance for these poor souls. Sad fact is they have a hard time being spontaneous and fun because they have such a burden taking care of the world.
Caretaking is never about the other person.
It’s about wanting to feel needed
because you’re afraid you’re not wanted.
We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being. Hermann Hesse
The loneliness you feel
with another person,
the wrong person,
is the loneliest of all.
A dysfunctional relationship is one where two people make an emotional “contract” and agree to meet each other’s needs in what end up being self-destructive ways: I have a lot of “emotional problems” because I basically feel very bad about myself, but I don’t like thinking about it. You have “commitment issues,” and want to have a relationship without feeling any vulnerability. We pair up, and I hit you with all my emotional needs. You can’t handle it, distance, and then have an affair. I get to play the martyr and feel morally superior, and say that you are the sole cause of all the problems in our relationship. In return, I’m emotionally cold and critical of everything you do, and you can justify sleeping with others to feel loved because I’m so mean. We each get one thing we want (feeling better about ourselves and having relationships without vulnerability) but each do this in a way that harms us. Richard Niolon, PhD www.psychpage.com
You stopped acknowledging my feelings,
so I stopped acknowledging your existence.
I ain’t a cheater,
but if you’re going to make me feel single
why shouldn’t I act upon it?
Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that behind anger is another root emotion, such as pain, humiliation or fear. Thus, before something triggers a loss of control due to anger, you are already setting the stage for that loss of control by letting yourself feel all those other negative, primary emotions. Except in the case of people with certain kinds of psychiatric problems, loss of control is usually triggered by a specific event. When you’ve finally had enough, your blood pressure and heart rate rise and your body releases fight-or-flight hormones. This is when you’ve actually lost all control. You may scream, insult and even hit. People who lose control often do and say things that they later regret, but they can’t help themselves from doing and saying those things at this stage because they are not thinking clearly. That lack of clarity is a result of the loss of control. From “Three Stages of Being Out of Control” by eHow.com contributor Cynthia Gomez
Anger is fear
turned inside out.
The past doesn’t exist. There is nothing to be sorry for. Today is when we start to live. Look… look at the sea. The sea has no past. It is just there. It will never ask us to explain. The stars, the moon are there to light our way, to shine for us. What do they care what might have happened in the past? They are accompanying us, and are happy with that; can you see them shine? The stars are twinkling in the sky; would they do that if the past mattered? Illdefonso Falcones
You spend your whole life
stuck in the labyrinth,
thinking how you’ll escape one day,
and how awesome it will be,
and imagining that future keeps you going,
but you never do it.
You just use the future
to escape the present.
One obstacle to living authentically… is people having soft personal boundaries. Boundaries are limits we consciously or unconsciously put in place to take good care of ourselves. By using the term “soft-boundaries”, I refer to people feeling that they do not have a choice. When we feel we are without choice we find ourselves doing things we don’t want to or things we think we should or must do. Soft-boundaries occur when we act one way, but feel a completely different way and do it because we feel we “have to”. It can be as simple as saying you will call someone when you don’t want to, or hosting a big event because you feel it is the “right” thing to do. If you hear yourself say, “I have no choice,” that is also an indication of a loose boundary. Remember – we always have choice. Kim Illig http://www.kimillig.com/documents/Learning-to-Set-Your-Personal-Boundaries.htm
“No” is a complete sentence.
I used to think that finding the right one was about the man (woman) having a list of certain qualities. If he (she) has them, we’d be compatible and happy. Sort of a check-mark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn’t so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It’s about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it’s about being with a good person. A good person on his (her) own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together. Deb Caletti
Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let go.
People are constantly changing and growing.
Do not cling to a limited, disconnected,
negative image of a person in the past.
See that person now.
Your relationship is
always alive and
Brian L. Weiss
Signs you’re relating codependently in a relationship:
o You cannot live without the other person.
o You feel trapped by the relationship.
o You feel guilty about moving on from the person.
o You want to save the other person in some way.
o You tolerate mistreatment from the other person.
o You believe if you hang on long enough, they’ll change.
o You can’t stop the other person from hurting you.
o You feel like you can’t get out of the relationship.
o You simultaneously love & hate the person.
o You’re depressed or sad for no reason.
o You fantasize about life without the other person.
o You develop addictions that before weren’t an issue
As long as we haven’t healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than
two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room -
but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds.
Destiny, I feel is also a relationship-a play between grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over, half of it is absolutely in your hands and your actions will show measurable consequences. Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he’s a little of both. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses-one foot is on the horse called “fate” the other on the horse called “free will”. And the question you have to ask everyday is, Which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort? Elizabeth Gilbert
You will have bad times,
but they will always
wake you up to the stuff
you weren’t paying attention to.
When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on–series polygamy–until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter. Tom Robbins
When you struggle with your partner,
you are struggling with yourself.
Every fault you see in them
touches a denied weakness in yourself.